LOL: Life Of Leo

Fire and Earth

2012-02-01T12:33:00.002+05:30

She was relieved. The heat from the campfire was slowly warming her up. It had been a cold night, almost frozen. The heat soothed her. She rubbed her hands frivolously and looked at him. She wasn't aware of him until a few months back. Ofcourse she knew that he existed, but today it was a different story altogether. The wind blew smooth and stirred the fire. But the strong earth beneath refused to let go. She smiled. For once, fire and earth coexisted. Funny, she had always thought that, that could never happen.

He looked up at her and smiled. She just winked back. He came close and held her tight. Suddenly, she felt no need for the fire anymore. The warmth of his body mingled with her madness. As his fingers trailed down her back, she felt the fire burning inside her. She held him close and perched her chin on his shoulder. Her breath on his neck, stirred something inside him. He held her tight, as if to never let her go. It sure was an unusual sight as fire, earth and air enveloped them sealing them into the world. Yet, they were so far away from it, in a world of their own.

From then, every thing felt special. Every gaze stole her heart. Every touch melted her skin. Every word grazed her ears and met her soul. They spoke, way into the night. They felt no fear. No cold. No heat. This was a moment of passion guided by love. Her eyes sparkled to reflect his smile. The stars shone down celebrating their moment.

Making love under the stars had always been her fantasy. That day, as she sat snuggled in his strong arms, the fantasy changed.

Every dream of hers was now turning into a reality. Since when did her luck change? Since when did God shower only blessings on her? Since when did Murphy take a break? Or rather give up? Since when did life start seeming perfect?

Perhaps since the day she realised that she wanted to spend the rest of her life holding his hands.

19th Jan, 2012

2012-01-20T13:04:00.003+05:30

The problem with me is that I'm not used to happiness. But seeing the steady ramp in this particular emotion since a year, I guess its about time I get used to it and learn to bask in it without any doubts and concerns. Starting yesterday, I did it.

This day has been wonderful. The most important day in the whole of my adult life. Reaching a professional high and celebrating the joyous moment with the man I love. Do I need more things to make life perfect?

Being a true bred Lioness I've always dared to do things that people think a billion times before jumping in. After 3 years in a particular domain at work, I decided that this is not what I want to do. I did not want to spend the rest of my life writing spooky code that I give a damn about. Thanks to a blessed tongue, I wanted to do something which has me talking for almost 100% of the time. I just threw away my experience and jumped head first into it. Today, 4 months later as I'm rewarded, I just want to pat myself on my back and walk with my head held more high. This is what I want to do, this is where I want to be.

My first long relationship went kaput, making me cynical about love. I almost gave up, but love is an emotion that fails to elude me. The second one lasted long enough and gave me a new lease of life. But again some things work out and some things don't. The fault lies in the person and not the emotion. I can't believe I almost gave up on it. I still am skeptical about commitment and relationships, but love is something I can't stay away from. Can't help it when I am surrounded by such wonderful people. Today, I have a man by my side who means the world to me. There has only been joy since the minute he stepped into my life. He understands my fears and helps me get over them. He makes me want to use strong words like 'Love' and 'Relationship'. I ain't complaining and the romantic in me lives on.

Life troubles us. We need all the courage and strength to fight it. And most importantly you need to dare.

Dare to hope.

Have faith.

Believe.

You need to be able to get out of your comfort zone and challenge life's middle finger. You live only once, follow your dreams. Make them come to life. Its not tough.

What goes around, comes around. Karma is a bitch they say, well I'm prepared.

Atleast its gonna be a battle of the equals.

Touch Me & I will Follow

2012-01-09T11:27:00.004+05:30

Meeting you was a miracle in itself
Good times then continued to flow
You brought out the buried parts in me
The child like squigle and the womanly glow

There was an ease when I came to you
The common wit was the best ever base
When sense of humor binds us strongly
We know that this is the most lovely phase

Common thoughts and awesome comfort
Is something very very hard to find
When you can laugh at yourself without inhibitions
You know you can control both the heart and mind

With you around, life feels simple
No complications about the future or the past
There was a meaning to every meeting
Even with a coffee we could have a blast

Day by day the strings wound more tight
Yet not once did it feel like a chore
It maybe a mistake, but it does feel right
If it was wrong it would have bothered the core

No regrets, no complaints, was the agreed mantra
It just happened without any effort
We just got lost in our beautiful world
Without the need for any kind of alert

You've given me unadulterated happiness
Making me feel the need to use the taboo 'L' word
What I feel for you is from deep within
I don't say it but I'm sure you've heard

You made me the center of your being
'No' is the word you have never used on me
With a smile you bore my anger and crankiness
Inspite of me, you have let me be

The happiness that you see in my eyes
Reflects the love that I see in yours
Feeling your touch drives me nuts
That smile of yours completely lures

I know you love me without expectations
You can hold me tight and vanish my sorrow
I'm the Lioness who is known to lead
But you touch me right, and I shall follow

Leave me Alone!

2012-01-04T16:29:00.005+05:30

2012 started of pretty well with a clear mind set as to what I want and what I clearly do not want. Today, I might not know what I want but I surely know what I do not want. Its funny as to how priorities become options and then the options become useless finally fading into oblivion.

Such is the course of life. The sooner we accept it, the better.

Do anyone of you believe in human jinx? Like those people who can only bring bad luck? Something like a black cat crossing the road. Only here it is in the form of a living person who unfortunately happens to be a part of your life. Well, guess what? I just found mine. Not a very great feeling trust me, especially if the jinx happens to be someone whom you have had feelings for in the past.

Why me? I mean seriously, why me?

Just a message or a call from this person can ruin my entire day, or like the most recent instance, it can even ruin a prospective love story. Its almost like they want to say "You left me, so let everything go wrong in your life". Or it can be a jealous friend who secretly wishes ill for you. No, I'm not a superstitious person, but when this has happened more than a hundred times until today, I just tend to believe it. I had cut him out like 3 months ago. Everything was fine for about a week or so and then he decided to make abrupt comebacks, ruining random days of mine, one at a time.

I'm trying my best to avoid him, but he seems to be determined to make his presence felt on the worst days possible. Like on the first day of my User Acceptance Testing in Accra or something simple and yet vital, like the new year. If 2012 goes down the drain due to him, I swear to God he'd not live to see 2013.

So guys, you might have someone like a jinx in your life. If you do not know who it is yet, preen and find out. If you do know, then cut them out now. NOW! They shall stick on to you like a leech and suck your life out of you and curl themselves up so that you cannot see their victory smile. Beware my wonderful people. Please do.

On a totally different note, how does the background look now? I absolutely loved it and it so so so reflects me. A girl who loves her life the way it is and the only thing that she wants from the world is to leave her alone. No interruptions and no questions. That's all I want from life now.

The Miracle called 2011

2011-12-30T16:45:00.005+05:30

And we're back!! :D

No no I had not disappeared anywhere. 2011 has been so super duper good that I was just sitting back and watching life flow exactly the way I wanted it to. You may feel that I'm exaggerating but when you've lived a series of crappy years and then suddenly find everything going your way, the thrill is unexplainable. I've waited months and years to get this feeling and now that I'm here, I want to dwell here forever. Never ever looking back again. I've lived 25 years without any regret or guilt and this is how I shall live the rest of my life.

2011 has been the bestest year of my life. 2005 showed me the beauty of love and 2011 has taught me the importance of it. 2006 brought out the woman in me and 2011 showed me that its not bad to bring out the child in me at times. 2007 made me serious about life and 2011 taught me to take life with a pinch of salt. 2008 brought out patience in me and 2011 showed me how to implement it.

2009 made me cynical about love and relationships and 2011 had me witnessing that love can happen more than once and that at times you can get it right. 2010 broke the bubble and told me that its okay to dream and 2011 had me living those dreams. 2011 clearly marks a milestone in the quarter of a life that I've led. It made me a near perfect person and gave me a reason to believe that what I am today is only a result of the past years and hence to never regret anything.

Woh kehte hai na, jo hota hai achche ke liye hota hai. Sahi kehte hai.

And being the eternal optimist that I am, I'm sure 2012 will only bring pleasant surprises for me. Love has knocked more than once the past year and I hope to get to the phase to embrace it wholeheartedly in 2012. Things are rewarding at the work place and I'm sure I'll get more successful the next year. Health has been good and I pray I shall get into better shape next year. Well, to cut a long story short, 2011 has been an amazing year and I have my fingers crossed for 2012.

2011 has been a year of smiles, let 2012 be a year of laughter.

Last post for 2011 people, I'm off to have a wonderful start to 2012. Shall see you in the bright shiny new year!

Last Night

2011-12-16T22:51:00.006+05:30

Last night, was true madness. Nothing on the mind except you. Every sense forgotten and all of it culminating into tiny bubbles of happiness. Like the prism of white that broke into droplets of colors bouncing along with the echos of our laughter.

Last night, was sheer pleasure. Ecstasy would have been an understatement, the way you touched me. Driving me to crazy extremes wanting me to scream until I hear the clouds crack above me, breaking into a storm and covering the rising sun to reveal a rainbow that seems to cover the shame that eluded us.

Last night, was meant to happen. The games, the need, the hide and seek was happening for way too long without even us realising it. Perhaps, the unknown feelings were built up in such a way that they had to erupt into hot lava soaking us and leaving us to witness the massive volcano called love.

Last night, was intoxicating. Every word gave a high and every kiss blew my mind. Like wine you spread through my veins taking me for a stroll across the land where only we were meant to be. Which was for you. Which was for me. You and me. This word is enough to put any other drug in the world to shame. Us.

Last night, was Nirvana. When every movement guarantees pleasures, when every word thrills the core, when every memory brings a smile, when every touch triggers a chill, you know that this is all you want from life. Like a moth to a flame, I flap my butterfly wings and come to you, because I know this is the place I want to be. This is the place where I shall find you. This is the place where I shall find love. This is the place where I shall find myself. This is the place where I found salvation.

Last night, was pure love. Concoctions of feelings being poured, drowning us both deep into each other. The playful tone adding to the smiles, giving way to expressions that we have seen and heard before. But then, we felt it. Neither of us know who poisoned the other, but while we are at it, lets die together.

Did it Hurt?

2011-12-09T04:14:00.015+05:30

The journey from friends to lovers
To being all calm and then going wild
Us was all that I wanted from life
As together we laughed and smiled

You my love, were my reason of being
I gave up everything and myself for you
Joy and happiness were only words
Until you came and made life anew

Then came the time I had to move away
As your love and trust came crumbling down
Day after day you kept punishing me
Culminating colors into a filthy brown

When in doubt why dint you let me go
Why did you lock me within and shut the gate
Even when we were making passionate love
You seemed to be making hurtful hate

Pain and anger you showered on me
What not did I do to prove my love
When your feelings were blinded by insecurity
Why did you not discard me like a dirty glove

When I walked out, it left you shocked
What made you think torture I'd bear
I may have loved you with heart and soul
But love doesn't grow minus some care

You then claimed to have moved on
Told me stories about a prospective bride
Did you know what that put me through
I cried for days and then almost died

You kept coming back with the bait of love
Every time I attempted to survive
You were killing me from deep within
Keeping only my body alive

You were not mine but held me as yours
Amongst the hatred, loyalty was your seek
Just when I felt strong without you
You plunged right back in to make me weak

Years after years of destroying me
You came back to see the joy in the remains
It must have been disappointing I'm sure
Instead, when you saw new love in my veins

You said I robbed you of your love
And that all your feelings went in vain
The only thing that I stole from you
Is your pleasure of seeing me in pain

I'm sorry I dint let you watch me die
Instead I buried my love for you in dirt
Then you found out I'm with someone else
So tell me, did it hurt?

Hope, Blessings & Crap

2011-12-03T18:45:00.035+05:30

3 flights, 19 hours of travel, a 4 hour wait at the Chatrapati Shivaji International Airport, Mumbai (which by the way, sucks to the core!), an hour wait at the beautiful and enormous Dubai International Airport, sleep deprived and jet lagged, I arrived at Accra. My home for the next 30 days. For those who don't know, Accra is the capital city of Ghana in West Africa. Not the place I had in mind for my first ever international travel, but after a week here I have no complaints. The place is beautiful in its own way and the Sterling group of hotels where I'm staying in, more than makes up for it. And so does the 6 figure income that I shall get out of this.

The people here are extremely friendly and helpful. The city resembles Bangalore in every way with congested traffic and huge buildings. Minus the pricking hot weather during the day, I have nothing negative to say about this place. Until now atleast. I'm loving the place I stay, the people I meet and the work I'm doing. How a jean and T-shirt clad girl turned into a respected corporate consultant in pencil skirts and high heels working directly with the clients is an achievement for me. I love what I am doing here but I never thought I'd get this serious about work. But now, that seems to be the only thing in mind. 16 hours a day go into work and I have no regrets. I love every minute of my life today. *Smiles*

A week here and nothing else has changed. The time difference does take a toll and I try my best to stay in regular touch with my parents, friends and that someone special out there. At times it is hard to believe that he actually stays up till 2.30 am everyday just to talk to me. It is 9 pm for me here and that's when I get out of my work and when I'm free. He makes sure I get back safe, talks to me while I prepare my dinner, waits until I finish eating and then lulls me to sleep. Yeah I'm blessed, I know. *Smiles again*

A few blogger pals updated me on a certain purple dino writing crap about me. Ah well, like Phoebe says 'Dinosaurs, dragons.. Potato, Potahto'. I couldn't care less and like how they said, my pretty eyes have much more better things to read and see. I'm famous in the real world and when someone is trying to defame me in the virtual world, how does that even matter. It obviously is the other way for them, trying to get famous by ranting about other bloggers. Ah well, can't blame them. Like I once said before, people who have gone through serious trauma early in their life tend to get demented. Haven't you all heard about the 'Red Dragon'? Do you need more proof? Oh wait, oh wait, finally the code is cracked. Now I get the significance of the dragon. Perhaps, its a universal thing. *Laughs out loud*

Its really funny about how such people think they are so smart for the world and go yapping about their friends, weddings and scenarios, maybe intentionally ignoring the truth. Just so they know, the wedding at which you thought you looked really hot draped around in 6 yards of cheap polyester dirty white cloth, the bride told the rest of us "What is she doing here?". Ditto with my best friend, whom you think was a good friend of yours whom you lost, at whose wedding you turned up with both pati and woh. I guess now the poor octopus is dead again with the entire dragon family existing at work. And the next time you go to visit a newly wedded couple at their home, just do that. Visit, and fuck off. Don't make them cook lunch for you, eat it, romance your partner on their couch, make them cook dinner for you and pack it so that you can take it home. In such scenarios it so happens that the husband will tell his newly wedded bride to not invite any of her friends home. Well, it happened. And you only successfully managed to tick more people off when she called teary eyed to let us know.

Its about time you wipe the spit of your juniors from your face and look clearly as to what other people whom you claim to be important to you, think about you. I am 6000 miles away and yet I know about everything happening there. And you know what I don't ask for it, this comes to me from eager people around wanting to let me know. I just brush it off as unwanted information. But, if you tend to tick me off the wrong way you'd surely get it back. Stay away from my space and I'd do the same. You started the rant on blogosphere, inviting troubling for fame. I must thank you for one thing though, you have sure been a constant source of our entertainment for quite sometime now. It is a long file, else I sure would have attached the list of PJs we have about the "delivery" you do. Just so you know its not only me, its the whole world out there.

Well well, I don't let things bother me anymore. Looking out from my window I see the bright sun glistening over the crystal clear pool, and that's how my life has been for almost a year now.

Oh yeah, 2011 has been good. And I'm sure 2012 will be better.

Hope is a good thing. A real good thing.

But..

2011-11-14T14:45:00.007+05:30

For once, it all seems right.
For once, there are only smiles.
For once, the brain is not over exercised.
For once, there is happiness.
For once, there is contentment.
For once, there is understanding.
For once, there is comfort.
For once, there are true feelings.
For once, there is absolute pleasure.
For once, there is peace.
For once, it seems perfect.
For once, there is everything.
For once, this is exactly what I wanted.

This seems to be the answer to all my questions.

But, it can never happen. Not even for once.

Life's Good

2011-11-08T15:11:00.007+05:30

A matter of Time

2011-11-04T00:42:00.013+05:30

Pain, agony, more words I can use
A part of life is for getting hurt
How would you know the beauty of fire
If you don't get a little burnt

If there are smiles today
They may not be around tomorrow
No body can peek into the future
And predict their joys and sorrow

Nothing hurts more than love
But what is living without it
Its all about taking chances
Even if you end up hurt a bit

Like the smiles, the hurt won't last
Life is like a wave of sine
Somedays it is rock bottom crap
While at times it is sparkling wine

Hope and faith go a long way
Everything is temporary here
When living gets spent by the day
Why do you want to buy fear?

Paranoia is a birth right
Nobody can escape this one
Dusk always leads to dawn
No matter what, you still see the sun

Count life by the seconds
Look for happiness inside of you
Let aside the shabby past
Make room for the bright new

Time is a healthy medicine
Even if the doses are long
After the struggling battle
You emerge out more strong

Winning is not everything
Its the lesson you take
It ain't tough to sail in bad weather
If not a ship, a raft you shall make

It may be the worst phase ever
Life might be spilt into a scatter
It is all a matter of time
Someday, this will hardly matter

More of an Itch

2011-11-02T15:36:00.004+05:30

I've always thought that some people were a colossal pain the neck. But now I have a much lower opinion of them.

I don't know why is it so hard for some people to mind their own business. Opinions are like ass holes. Everyone has one and it usually stinks. When I don't trouble others with my opinions then why should they? Believe me I have more opinions than one on everything around but that is only between me and me. I don't offer unnecessary advice, until asked. I don't poke my nose even into my loved ones lives. I know that they are sensible enough atleast to get past each day.

Sarcasm is my super power. I'm known to fabricate my words well enough so that it can be taken with a sense of humor. Well, if people don't get sarcasm then its a total waste of time. That's when the bluntness comes out and more often than not I end up being judged as rude. Well if you don't want a sarcastic answer, then please don't ask a stupid question.

Thanks to regular yoga and meditation I've managed to keep my anger under wraps very well. But at times no matter how patient you are, some people and things can still be a pain in the butt.

~ The pigeons on my neighbours roof which go 'Brrrr, brrrr, gttttrr, gtrrrr' at 5 am every morning. I've shooed them away n number of times. Now, I'm seriously considering getting myself a gun.

~ The annoying girl who is in love with my best friend and he doesn't give a damn. She hates me to the bone cos he is always with me. She never leaves a chance to give me an update on him and I try my best to act like I'm hearing it for the first time. Woman, I know him 500% more than you do. So please you can skip the notification bit. You only hear about it, but I get to see it.

~ My company bus driver who always stops the bus 10 feet away from where I'm standing. The next day if I stand 10 feet ahead, he stops at where I was standing the previous day. The crazy moron thinks that I don't work out and its his responsibility to get me to do some exercise by making me run back and forth the bus with my back pack.

~ My sister who always has to know everything about what is happening in my life. Whom I'm dating, where I am going and what I am doing. Where each guy in my life stands seems to be her favorite question which is asked like about 345678 times a day. I'm 25 years old, grown up enough to take care of my own life. Sigh, if only elders understood.

~ The newly married chick who sits opposite to my cubicle and talks mush to her husband on the speaker phone. I now know the intricate details of her marriage including the date, time, venue and their everyday plans and what she plans to do when her husband comes home every night. Talk about unwanted information.

~ My ex friend who seems to pop up at the worst of times asking me why don't I love him and what does 'he' have that he doesn't seem to. I once said 'me' to put an end to it forever. But some people as I said never get sarcasm, and the question is asked again and again.

~ The fool working in the next company who waits for me in the smoking zone and pesters me for my phone number everytime he sees me. I changed zones, did not help. He might just be the reason as to why I quit smoking.

~ My network at work which only seems to go down just as I'm about to click on the 'Submit' button. The damned site does not have a auto save feature which makes me redo the half n hour amount of work I just did.

~ The security watchman at my apartment gate who gives me weird looks each time my friend drops me home. Apparently he's been complaining to my parents that a so and so guy comes home to drop me and all that blah. WTF is his problem I don't know.

~ This friend of mine who is extremely caring but at times gets into the super mushy mode and starts calling me 'bachcha'. I don't know why, but that word annoys the hell outa me. 'Beta' is cute, but 'bachcha' is extremely creepy.

Such people/ things are like a leech stuck onto the butt draining life out of you slowly but steadily.

Cos you are NOT worth it

2011-10-30T23:00:00.005+05:30

I find it really funny when the people whom I have cut out of my life come back asking me why I did so.

I'll never be the Same

2011-10-29T01:33:00.009+05:30

After an 11 hour day at work, I now find some time to flex my muscles and an over exhausted brain. As I sit alone in my room, for some weird reason I'm having a weird tendency to look back at life and introspect. Just thinking about what I was and what I have become now. It all feels so strange, how things change so rapidly and for the better. Or so I hope.

How a social drinker turned into an almost alcoholic and then into a hardcore sober workaholic. How a love lorn girl turned into an escapist running away from the very emotion that defined her. How a dreamy eyed teenager grew into a strictly practical woman. How a casual soul turned into a thinking magnet. How a vulnerable lass turned into the strong ice maiden. How a rainbow lover turned into a black and white fanatic. How an OCD bitch turned into a haphazard queen. How a non stop talker turned into a genuine listener. How a genuine listener turned into a judgemental cynic. How a messed up creature metamorphosed into an almost sorted dame. How a people lover turned into a agnostic misanthrope.

Strange are the ways of the world, seriously. Situations bring out the best and the worst in people. I've only seen how situations affect my psyche over the past year. I've been through so much that I cannot find the old me no matter how hard I preen and look. Its like I have been forced to grow up only due to the happenings around me. Its true, success hardly means anything if there is no struggle. Well, I'm not complaining.

Today as I look at myself, I see a strong, independent, single woman with absolutely no expectations from anyone or anything, but herself. People come and people leave, they only form catalysts to bring about bouts of light and happiness here and there. But the original blueprint or framework remains me. If I stumble, life would not be worth living. And I don't intend to get there. There is a place in me where I go back to every now and then, where I get to hear the echoes in my head. It helps, in every possible way. They say that you tend to get strong only when there is no other option left. But when there are other options and yet you choose to be strong, then its quite something else altogether. And that is what I have become now and I have no intentions of going back to what I was before.

P.S: I'm thoroughly disappointed by my previous posts, based on the number of comments I've received. Come on people, show some love.
P.P.S: How's the new look? I liked the previous one better, but this mood kinda reflects my life now and I like the feeling that brightness is not far away.

Light it Up

2011-10-26T15:09:00.007+05:30

With all the noise and smoke doing the rounds, I hope everyone is safe out there. Wishing you all a very happy and extremely safe Diwali.

Its that time of the year where you burn out all the bitter memories, let it flow into smoke and look out for new beginnings. Not breaking the norm, that is exactly what I shall do. I'd like to light up a few people like a monster rocket and let them shoo away to any other God forsaken planet. For good. I'd like to cuddle up all my bitter memories of the recent past into a giant flowerpot and watch it sparkle up before settling into dust. Ah, the satisfaction that gives! I do it every year and well life has been such that I have to do it every year. If only Murphy pays attention to someone else and wouldn't be so hell bent upon chasing the Lioness. Bring it on Murphy, its been 25 years and I'm still standing here waiting for your surprises. Now that I've won like a 7379563455 times, I think I still will. Suck up, Loser!

Over the past year, one thing that I have been extremely good at is cutting out people at the right time. It continues. When a blessed distraction turns into emotion and starts digging into your life, you know its time to burn it out. I'm a psyched out Lioness who loves to dangerous extents. The very fact that it took me about 3 years to get over a 3 year old relationship proves it. So, I've decided to stay out of anything that remotely seems like love. For my own sanity that is. Obviously no one suddenly wakes up and makes such a decision. Suddenly uncertainty blurred out and I got slapped hard by certainty. It did not turn out good, but I'm fiercely happy that it ended. It hurt exactly for 4 hours and then it was back into smiles. Damn, how I turned into an eternal optimist is something I wouldn't know. Well, who's complaining?

One more thing that I wouldn't know is that how could I get it wrong two times in a row? Inspite of being so extremely cautious I let it happen. But I'm so happy that I did not let the temptation get me. I held on instead of plunging into it headlong. The very reason that I could get out of it in such minimal time. Coming to think of it, it doesn't seem like it was love in the first place. Well now that it is over, its over. And just like last time, this time too this is not something that I'd want to look back to. It is vital to kill people in your head, to make room for new ones. Crazy logic maybe, but it works for me. Its over, and it shall stay that way. Period.

No matter what, in the end it always turns out to be fine. As I sit here all dressed up in traditional attire looking forward to the Diwali party at my best friend's place, I can only thank God for giving me the strength to get past everything in life. And by everything I mean everything. Its not been an easy ride, but I have come out of it with my head held high and with absolutely no regrets. I'm so extremely proud of myself. And there is no way that I'd get cynical about love and relationships. I'm burning out the past memories, but the romantic in me continues to live on and strong.

Enough with my rant. Damn, can anyone else get so random and still stick on to a sole topic called love. Naah, no one but me can do that! So, lets say a quick prayer and head out to burn the pain, past, darkness and bitterness from our lives. Let all our lives be only filled with light and happiness from now on. Amen!

Uncertainty

2011-10-23T00:43:00.010+05:30

I don't know what will happen tomorrow. I'm not sure what I want from the future. Or the present. I have no expectations, no fantasies. No unfulfilled dreams, no yearnings. No pain, no guilt.

This might have been a mistake, but its the most beautiful mistake of my life. The only thing that I have learnt from this mistake is that, this is something that I want to do again and again. Today, tomorrow or years later, when I look back at whatever this is I'd still feel the same. The same rush, the same thrill, the same you and the same me. There will be only one thing that is happily missing. Regret.

Uncertainty has never looked this attractive, and I'm in love with it.

Never be too Careful

2011-10-19T14:08:00.008+05:30

I have the time to write these days, but I'm unable to get words out. I don't know what is happening. Life is good no doubt, but some glitches are blurring things out. I've learnt that, its best to never try to be too careful. A little bit of precaution is good, but I put in all my energy and focus on not getting into something. But today, at this very moment I find myself buried deep under it. I don't know why I'm finding this so funny. I was so damn careful, so very cautious; yet it happened.

Falling in love is not something you decide on, but I did everything that I could to stay away from it. The minute I found myself leaning towards it, I backed out. I did all I could to never look back at it, I even termed it as addiction. But today I know that addiction is indeed a form of love. After all, why would you want to get addicted to something that you don't love? Making sense? Yeah.

Come mid November and my travel schedule gets a bang start. I'm going to be globe trotting for quite a while it seems like. I'm going to be back here only to fly off again in sometime. I've always wanted to travel and see the world, but today as I see my travel schedule, my head reels. You need to be careful about what you ask God seriously, because at times, rare times for me, He sends a positive reply. I'm looking forward to a new place, new environment and new people. But leaving behind the old ones just when you are still contemplating on the rush of feelings is so so bad. I so want to jump in and sort things out but the Lioness pride in me doesn't let me do that. Love sure is complicated. There is a tinge of pain too, but I'm glad that I realised that it is not meant to last before I heartily jumped into it. Some consolation here.

Being alone is good. It is a strength in itself. No unnecessary responsibilities or liabilities. I realised this the day when the lines of love and lust merged into me. Expectations always hurt, be it from either side. Being ultra careful about separating lust and love did not work either. Everything in life comes together at times. And thanks to Murphy ruling my life, it all comes together at the worst possible time for me. Happiness is at its peak thanks to a constant flourishing work life, but at the same time personal life seems to be going for a toss. But again, things only happen for the better and we continue to hope.

Now that the distraction/ addiction/ love is out of my life there is more room for newer and better things. This makes me smile. At times I wonder why am I not able to break down and cry. But then again, I've done more than my share of that, that it does not seem to matter anymore. People are weird. At times they make you feel like a priority and at times like an option. Its weirdly funny because you tend to see only the happy side of it. Or rather that's all you want to see. But when it hits you one day, it hits you hard. My once healed heart now has a sharp, deep dent. I'm choosing escapism here and running away from it. I want to keep matters of the heart away from my body and life for quite sometime now. But yeah, I'm not planning on being too careful about it.

So moral of the story: Shit happens, always. Don't try to build walls around you because even if a brick comes loose, the wall comes collapsing down. Instead, open your doors and let it come in. Deal with it the way you want at the right time. That's much simpler than something coming in unexpected when you had been so careful about it. Makes you feel like a fool to be honest. That's when you see all your life's philosophies crumbled and stranded on the ground contributing to more shit.

Someone rightly said, "At times the best thing you can do when you find love again, is to walk away"

But can we remain friends? Only time will tell, especially when both have decided to walk away to different paths.

Repost: Murderer

2011-10-17T17:40:00.007+05:30

This old post of mine remains an eternal favorite. The reason being that the moment that I wrote this was the most painful moment of my life. This post has all my tears, feelings and blood embedded into it. I was accused of being unfaithful in the most sadistic manner ever. He sent me the song 'Unfaithful' by Rihanna, complete with the video and lyrics and told me that presently its his favorite song. I was already heart broken and this just crushed me. I did not write this to defend myself, I just wrote this to vent out my pain. I did not even want to publish it, but when I did people loved the post. It seemed funny that my pain was being appreciated. I even won an award for this on bloggertown. Today, 'Unfaithful' started playing on shuffle on my ipod and I was so reminded of that day. Hence, the re-post.

I was never unfaithful
I never wanted to see you hurt
All I wanted was
For you to realise my worth

How could I rejoice in
Seeing you die
Dead I'd rather be
Than to see you cry

You're more than a man
Your the reason why I live
You're my heart n soul
For whom my love I'll give

Its all in your mind
That I'm happy with someone else
You don't see my heart bleed
You don't see my craving eyes

I walked away
Cos you dint need me
I never lied to you
My truth you couldn't see

I know its too late
To simplify things
To understand us better
And our love for each other

I see you hurt
Cant see it anymore
So I've locked my feelings
And left it ashore

I just wish you happiness
And love for life
Lucky will be the one you love
The one who'll be your wife

I would never give up
On something I love
But something which is not mine
No point of having hope

I'm the one
Who is dead inside
Feelings are something
Which will never subside

I'd rather slit myself
Than to put a gun to your head
Before I see a frown on you
I'd gladly prefer to be dead

For today, tomorrow
Or any day other
Just remember
I can never be a murderer

Half the things written in this poem don't make sense to me anymore. The best part is that today as I read this, I feel nothing but relief. A relief that, this shall never be a part of my life again. Nobody ever again is going to make me feel this bad. No matter what, I'm never gonna let it get there. Never again.

Its a Wonderful Life

2011-10-13T18:02:00.007+05:30

Need I say more? This is the most happiest phase of my life. For the first time ever things are going exactly the way I want them too. Rather the way I saw them happening. You may not have missed someone, but you know that he is special when there is a big smile on your face and a relief in your heart the minute you see him again. It is a very care free and happy feeling. Nothing more, nothing less. This is the way I wanted it to be. This is the way it is.

Happiness is a state of mind I agree, but without beautiful things around its difficult to get into that state. No complaints. I'm surrounded by beautiful things and beautiful people and life looks more beautiful than ever. Love is slowly growing and this feeling is nothing short of awesomeness. Love for life, love for small things, love for him.

I've got nothing more to say. Life as I see it now, is wonderful.

Understanding Basics

2011-10-05T08:29:00.007+05:30

You know that its going to be a good day when you wake up with a smile thinking about the conversation you had with a special someone just before drifting off to sleep. Sigh, life's super good. No complaints, no demands. I know I've not been able to write more often these days. What to do, I happen to have a very busy work life and a way too adventurous personal life. Its a pity that I'm not jobless on a Sunday morning to sit and lash out on other people and count the number of posts a fellow blogger has written on a certain topic. Anyway since writing about their life is not getting them any comments or followers this sure is a desperate and easy way to get some. It probably would have helped if they had the sense to see the number next to the tag instead. But now that they lead a boring life I'm sure they'd do anything to kill time.

Well I'm here today and I happen to see that my beloved LOL has crossed a 60,000 views and has more than 150 followers. Woohoo, am I glad or am I glad. Its nice to feel appreciated. Really nice. Appreciation is a kind of feeling that is a catalyst for living. Its gives you a much needed boost every single time. Its a different and worthwhile feeling. Its sad that some people would never understand that. Also, there are a lot of other feelings which not everyone can comprehend.

Lets take the basic example of love. How hard is it to understand that. Well not to a full extent but obviously most of us have a clue about what it can be. I'm not talking about love between a guy and a girl here. All kinds. Now I'll tell you the kind of people who will never understand the concept of love no matter what. If your foster parents picked you up a stinky roadside garbage bin and have treated you like filth ever since, there is no way you would understand what love is. After all, you can only understand what you see or get right? They say that people who have no clue about their actual bloodline turn out to be demented. Seems about right. If you are enduring the tortures of your so called boyfriend eyeing his riches, then there is no way you can understand the emotion called love. If you are living in with an ugly middle aged man hoping that someday he will take you up the corporate ladder, then love definitely doesn't exist in your dictionary. While we are at it, so doesn't self respect.

Next comes my recently favorite sin, lust. Very few people get this and it is more often than not mistaken for love. The usual people who don't get this are the ones who are anything but attractive. To feel or understand lust, you need to be attractive or atleast be surrounded by attractive people. If you are shacking up with an old squint guy then there is no way you can begin to understand lust. If you claim to be a virgin mary and look at guys only like a bread winner of the family, lust would be the last thing on your mind. Lust for money might sound appealing to such people. When induced in the right amounts and if you are not crossing the line of ethical morals, lust can be magical.

Hate is the emotion I feel strongly about and for a very few people. If you are being hated there is a rhyme and reason for it. There is no pride in walking with your head held high knowing that everyone around hates you for a very valid reason. If you are right, hold on to the so called pride. Else it is called nothing but living in denial. If you don't like being hated then do something about it. If you do like it, then well you sure as hell deserve it.

Envy too is a very common emotion and is prevalent in all. I've always believed in, if you have it flaunt it. Most people who feel jealous about others are the ones who feel they lack something. Ofcourse I get envious too. But I don't blame people because they have something that I don't. Not everyone are blessed with the same resources. Its about how you handle what you have got. Simple. Healthy jealousy is good, gives you something to work on. But turning green eyed and cursing someone because you don't have it sounds like you suffer from a serious case of inferiority complex.

These basic emotions if present in the right doses can make living life a smooth chore.

Its nice to be back. I definitely did miss this place.

Poison

2011-09-28T22:39:00.006+05:30

Writing poetry after a long time. Kind of lost touch so please bear with me if it ain't that good.

You have given me reasons to smile
But the infinite tears dissolve them
We split and so did everything else
When together we were like a gem

You my honey were my life
You were so tender, delicate and kind
But the piercing pain I went through
Somehow put you off my mind

I waited for like a zillion years
But hatred was all you gave me
I was tired of shutting it out
When my eyes wanted love to see

You will always be a part of my life
Something like a distant memory
You will remain a beautiful chapter
When I tell my kids my story

But he was there to dry my tears
To make me laugh when I was down
Him being the arrogant bastard
For me dint mind being a clown

His gigantic ego just goes poof
He makes me feel like a woman and a child
He knows to take care of me when I cry
And to tame me when I act wild

He's the venom that's spread to me
Making me what I am today
I don't regret any part of him
This I shall proudly say

If there is a need, there it is
You just cant evade that fact
Both us being wild and fierce
Are bound by an invisible pact

You were the earth that kept me grounded
He's the cool air that blends with my fire
Dry burnt earth was never pretty
But hot air can evoke deep desire

You're the sweet honey that I loved
But love him I can't and never will
Inspite of this disturbing fact
This damn poison refuses to kill

Lust & The Silver Lining

2011-09-25T00:23:00.004+05:30

Battling addiction. Serious addiction. Before I knew it, the distraction had turned into a major addiction and was all over me. Its tough when you get close to people. So close that you forget the boundaries of friendship. You get lost in the vicissitudes of uncertainty, holding on to something just because you simply can't do without it. The need for that person over powers everything. Even the very feeling of love. Or lust.

My temper tantrums are back after 3 years and how. All the anger management I'd mastered is now down the drain. I get angry and wild at the drop of a hat these days. But again I feel that you can only get angry at someone when you feel something deep for them. Anger is a part of love, if you ask me. Or lust.

Its amazing how he manages to piss the hell out of me and then does one thing showing sheer love that makes me melt like ice on fire. That's what we are. Nobody till date has been able to manage my tantrums this well. And with so much patience. He surprises me by putting up with my silly unreasonable demands. I would never do such things for anyone. Not me, not him, not anyone. I'm indeed lucky to have him in my life. Presently, that's my problem. I know I need him in my life. As what I don't know. We can't go back to being just friends again. Or should I just plunge headlong into love? Or lust?

Well they say that every cloud has a silver lining. This one sure did. He has been such a perfect distraction that my past is totally forgotten. COMPLETELY. I can't even try to recollect things from the past years even if I want to. Honestly, I never thought I'd get here. But. BUT. But, I did. I also know that things wont revert even if he's not there. The phase is over, or I have just grown up now. The place, the face has been replaced. It can be replaced again, provided I let go of the addiction. Trying to quit smoking hasn't been this tough. But the time has not come for it yet. He's a dirty habit and I just can't let go of it right now. Call it love. Or lust.

Of the seven sins I considered myself to be pride until now. Turns out, I'm LUST.

It is what it is

2011-09-19T15:31:00.003+05:30

There was a time when a face flashed in my mind whenever I was happy. Or sad. The same face flashed every time I went to sleep at night and was a major aspect of my dreams. That was the face that came to my mind as soon as I woke up. That was the face that brought ample smiles on my face. That face made me feel good. Feel wanted and special. This was until sometime ago. Well, nothings changed much. Nothing apart from the face.

Yes, anything and anyone is replaceable.

And in all honestly its not tough. Some things and people are meant to be forgotten. But again its not easy to forget until its been replaced. Maybe it can be done otherwise but this is how it works for me. New and improved is always better they say. No pun intended.

When my phone broke down in the middle of the road a few months back it did not take me five minutes to walk into the nearby store and pick a new one. Yeah I mourned for the old one for a few days and now that's the last thing on my mind. Or be it my white stilettos that snapped its heel only to be immediately replaced by a much better one. It happens, life moves on.

No, I'm not comparing people to materials here. But if you look at it that way, you realise that it is not entirely wrong. People come, people go. That's life. Its a pity I did not see it this way earlier. No matter what, you need to live. With whatever you have. It is not the same I agree, but in some time it will be. So I'm not complaining. People can be replaced too.

Provided you want to do that.

A Happy View

2011-09-14T12:34:00.004+05:30

I know I know I have been missing from this space for a while. Blame it on my super busy life or my laptop at home that refuses to boot up. I'm not even able to take out some time to go get it checked. No, I've not been busy doing important things like work, read or write. Life has been moving so fast, that the day is over before I know it.

One look at my nails with chipped red nail polish will tell you how busy I have been. I'm the one to redo all my nails even if there is a scratch on one. And look what life has brought me to now. I actually removed the paint on my way to work today. The auto guy was giving me all strange kind of looks. It only got worse when I lit a smoke after I was done. More glares. Stare all you want moron, like I care anyway.

Just taking a fifteen minute break at work to write this. Hardly a month at my new project and I'm bored already. The only thing that is keeping me going is that I'll be travelling soon. The place is not yet decided. But the way my adventurous life is going on I wouldn't mind even if I go to Sudan or Afghanistan. I need a serious break from everything and everyone in my life. I'm in the best phase of my life now, but I need a break to realise the importance of the stuff. Testing you can say. I've taken everything around me for granted. Family, resources, money and the men in my life. Even the most important one of all. Being a sweetheart he doesn't complain, but I feel kinda weird at times when he's around for everything. Even if it means cancelling his plans. Life sometimes makes you feel like a bitch.

Super news. I was caught twice at home for drinking last week. Best part, the two days that I was caught were the only days that I wasn't drunk! Seriously, parents! Some tear jerking drama happened and it was forgotten the next day. I just don't seem to care anymore. The only thing that I have in mind before doing something is "Will I regret this later?". If the answer is a no, I'll just go ahead with it. Come what may or however wrong it may be.

Crossing the line of friendship and entering into no feeling's zone was my choice. It is giving me so much happiness and is responsible for keeping me sane today. People thought I was in love. So did he. But I knew that wasn't it. I thought about it a lot over the past few days. And now I exactly know what he is to me. A distraction. And a perfectly good one. I even told him that. He was enraged at first and then he somehow accepted it. Like he had a choice! See, now you know why I was taking about the taking for granted bit. Still, no regrets. Weird, I know. Selfish, I know that too. It started all of a sudden, but it will end when it has to. Until then, we're good.

Super duper news. My blog crossed 55,000 views :O. I remember how happy I was when it crossed 10,000 views a few months ago and the feeling still remains. Thank you all for making this happen. You guys are the best.

Today, when I look at a bird's eye view of my life, I feel good. I see flowers, colors, smiles and even a rainbow. Its taken long, but I got here. No one else gets credit for that but me. I went through shit to get here. I spent sleepless nights crying out on my pillow to get here. I took extreme measures to get rotten memories out of my head. I painfully oozed out every drop of love from my heart. I have worked my ass off to get here today. And I'm proud of it.

P.S: I removed the sparkling heart widget. Ever since I've lost my ring I find hearts extremely annoying :)

The Ring & The Call

2011-09-09T12:11:00.003+05:30

A 1200 km road trip does wonders for you. For starters, it blows enough wind into your left ear to remove the rusted clutter from your brain through your right ear. It gives you immense pleasure to just sit by the beach at 2 am lost away from the world sipping onto a chilled drink watching the waves rise high and crash amidst the dim moon light. Serene it was. It is exactly during these times that I miss having a boyfriend. I was with great friends, but suddenly the need for someone special rose to its peak. Slow breeze, semi warm sand, sound of waves, stars shining down and the beautiful smiling moon. This has always been my ultimate fantasy. But there I was enjoying it. Alone.

And then came the call. Just like an immediate answer to my thought. For once, for once God seemed to be kind to me. It was the most beautiful 30 minutes of my life. It was like he was right there living my fantasy. He does everything he can to make me happy or atleast to see me smile. No one can handle my temper tantrums like he does, loving me through it. Why is that I can't accept the concept of falling in love with him is something that I just can't seem to fathom. Maybe I'm scared. Maybe I don't trust him enough yet. Or myself.

No matter how beautiful the surface looks at the end of the day you need to come back to the rock bottom crap. So as my vacation ended I came back to cart loads of work and it did not take long for the recent break to become a distant memory. Life moves on right? No matter what.

The reason for the title of the post is that I have left back my ghosts of the past back there. After my break up I bought myself a silver rhodium ring and wore it on my ring finger in the memory of him. I wore it on 18th June 2009, the day it was supposed to be our 4th anniversary and it has been there on my finger since then. No matter what I'd never take it out. But somewhere during the 4 day vacation I seem to have lost it. I did not take it out at all, and it was the perfect fit so slipping out is out of question too. It just went missing. The best part is that I did not realise that it was not on my finger until I reached back. When I look at my empty fingers now, I just smile. It somehow seemed right. Again at that perfect realisation moment I got the call. Yes, I'm ready to move on. More smiles.

You know what, no matter what happens, it all happens for a reason. All these days I was looking for reasons to be with him, but now I can't seem to find a single reason to not be with him. The concept of love has ceased to exist for me. Should I just cave in and see what happens? No, that will be wrong. I don't want to let go of it either. Strange na? So near, yet so far. Is it always necessary to give a name to a relationship. To brand it? Sometimes nameless is wonderful. Sometimes uncertainty is beautiful.

I'll just go with the flow taking one day, one moment at a time. Because life now is near perfect and I've finally learnt to live it right. Again, no matter what life moves on. You get hurt at times and at times you earn a smile. Either ways it is worth it.

Until next time

2011-09-01T01:30:00.005+05:30

Things have been going great for quite a while now and I'm finally beginning to settle down and get used to the calm and serene life. My life now suddenly seems like a perfect recipe with the perfect ingredients in right doses. Happiness, satisfaction, love, faith, hope, desire, understanding all together blended with my attitude is quite a tasty dish I must say. Love is how you see it and life is what you make it. Amen!

I might be getting a bit too personal on my posts oflate, but have you guys realised that we need to vent only when we are really happy or uncontrollably sad. The in between phase never gets words out. That's how it works for me. Life's been great professionally and personally but please don't be surprised if you don't get to read much about my personal life any more. Naah, not that I don't want to share but I'm seriously tired of answering to random people. I did not even know that these people knew that I own a blog space. Kinda freaks you out at times. But again, why do I care? Hell ya, its my blog and I'm gonna write what ever I want to. But I'm not going to be generous with the details though ;)

Things are looking really good and for the first time ever I'm not having a feeling that this is the calm before the storm. I don't know why but a major portion of me tells me that everything is going to be super fine from now on. Struggled and cried enough, its now time for the smiles and the joys. Hope has always been a wicked thing and I tend to not believe in it. But this time I feel like. And I will.

I'm leaving for a vacation tonight and will not be back until Monday. A road trip to Pondicherry. Yay! :D :D :D. A much much needed break from the monotony of life. Initially, I thought of staying connected to social life via the phone but then decided against it. This time a break needs to mean a break. A break from everything. And so it will be.

I promise to catch up on all the blogs when I get back. Will miss this space. So, until next time. Ta! :)

Tiny bouts of Happiness

2011-08-31T02:52:00.003+05:30

Everyone say that I'm a very hard to please girl. Just because I don't go 'Wooooooooooo' on every gift I get or 'Awwwwwwwww' on every rose I receive, it doesn't mean that I'm hard to please. Come on, how does wailing out like a milk cooker suggest to others that you are happy. This is something I don't and will never understand. It is not tough to make me happy. In fact I get thrilled due to the smallest of things. Little things make me more happy than any materialistic thing in the world.

The most disturbed night of my life which I mentioned in my previous post, made room for the most prettiest of mornings. As I walked in to meet him and saw him sitting there it just made me smile my widest smile ever. The whole pain of insomnia and disturbance in the mind just went poof! Now I know, no matter what we are, no matter where we go, this whatever awesome feeling we feel is never gonna change. Never ever. And I'm not going to ruin in. No way. We're gonna remain what we are. Nothing more, nothing less. This realisation made me the happiest I've been in a long long time.

Waking up to the smell of fresh hot coffee makes me happy. The feeling of fitting into an old pair of torn jeans is totally indescribable. Finding some money in its pockets when totally broke only doubles the happiness. Just as I went to throw away my cherry divine nail polish, I found some of it left in the bottle. I was thrilled. So I sit here typing with freshly painted bright pink nails. Searching the entire room only to find a last cigarette in the corner of my bag makes me happy. Finding a frozen Mars bar in the vegetable rack of the fridge in the middle of the night makes me happy. A long distance phone call from a loved one out of the bloom, cheers me to the core. You see, happiness can be found in the smallest of things.

Your professional life may be screwed or your personal life may be fucked, but if you learn to find happiness in the smallest of things around you, you are the most luckiest person in the world.

So, what makes you happy?

I know & that's all that matters

2011-08-29T03:42:00.003+05:30

Its past 3 am and I'm unable to sleep. I'm not new to the regular bouts of insomnia but this time I'm disturbed. All thanks to a certain someone. Aaaargghh, how I hate it when somebody occupies rent free space in my mind. If I was an outsider looking at myself now I would say that I'm in love. Or that I've totally lost it. Well, same difference I know. Big deal.

You know, I had sworn to myself to not think much anymore. Or just not think at all. But then, it happened. He happened. There always is something about the opposite sex right. The more you want to stay away the more attractive it gets. I've known him for quite a while now but the closeness happened a few months ago. I know, mistake number one. Refusing to be his girl, mistake number two. Thinking of him morning, noon and night, mistake number three. Who's to blame? I feel like holding a loaded gun to my head right now.

Everything was fine until a few days ago. We were what we were, being there for each other always, holding hands, showing love in our own ways. But suddenly too much of concern seems to be pouring in and I'm not liking it. Its like something I'm tied to, irrespective of choice. I need him around, but in what way I can't seem to fathom. He's the best thing that has happened to me in recent times and nothings gonna change that. I know that for a fact, but the outbursts of concerns and feelings is something that I would need more time to get used to. Or maybe I never will.

And then there are this pathetic breed of people who find extreme satisfaction in taking me down the guilt trip. 'You'll hurt him', 'This is not right', 'This is a meaningless relationship', 'I just don't understand what is going on between you two', 'What about your ex, you mourned for him for 3 years and now its all forgotten? Very bad', 'I hope you know what you are doing', 'Life is never this casual', 'Everybody needs something out of someone. Someday you will too'. And this is only the gist. Its people like this who make me enjoy solitude day by day.

First of all it is nobody's business but mine as to what I am doing and with whom. I'm only in it because it makes sense to me. Call it anything you want, friendship, love, lust, need, it makes no difference to me. Its between the two of us and if it works for us, then why are the rest poking their stinky noses into it?

I agree that it seems a bit complicated now. But its not the first time we have been through this phase. I have seen tears, pleading, jealousy, fights, anger, ego, insecurity and what not in the past. We have smoothly survived all that and I'm sure we'll it talk out and get past this too. We are totally different people with awesome understanding and one similar thought. He needs me and I need him. Come what may, this is one thing that will never change. I don't know if we will end up together or apart. Both make perfect sense to me, but I will do the right thing when the right time comes. If that's the case I know there was absolute no need for this post, but going to sleep with such heavy thoughts is so not a good idea. So here it is.

I'm fine. And so is he. If not anything else that is one thing I'll always make sure of.

Somersault in the Air

2011-08-26T19:57:00.004+05:30

I've always written about random crap. Love included. Once its on my mind, the next thing I know, I'm typing it out here. I just do it to vent and make myself feel good. Yeah yeah selfishness alert, but people actually like me for that. Most of them think that I'm being way too open about my life and that people would tend to judge me. Well, judge me all you want. A few of them who understand me and love me for what I am are enough to keep me going.

Priyanka, Gowthami, Spaceman Spiff, Shobhit and Srinidhi have awarded me with this.

Yay! Thank you so much, my lovely people. You really do know how to brighten me up. I love you all <3

So we proceed.

Linkback? Done.

7 random things about me:

1. I wish I was a bit more tall. I know a 5.6" is good enough, but you know dil maange a little bit more.

2. I'm allergic to tomato ketchup or cooked tomatoes, capsicum, paneer, artificial food colors and sweets (yeah you got that right). These are the sure shot ways of giving me a migraine attack.

3. I never visit other people's profile on FB. If an update comes on my home page its fine, else I don't see the point in doing so.

4. I'm commitment phobic. Well, you already knew that! Lets try I haven't quit smoking yet.

5. The secret to my naturally strong shiny black hair is that I never oil it, but wash it every single day. I thank my mallu genes for this.

6. Most of the male best friends I have are the ones who have asked me out at some point or the other. And some of them are even the ones I've had a 'thing' with. Still, we're great friends. Most people don't get it but it works for me.

7. I'm a voracious carnivore. I need to have meat atleast once a day. Thank you God for my extremely high metabolism rate, else I'd be a Big Momma by now.

Phew! It was easy to write random stuff when not asked to :P

Next,

My Favorite Song: Stereo Love, Edward Maya and Hey you, Pink Floyd.

My Favorite Desert: Like I said, I don't have much of a sweet tooth but right now I'm craving for a Mango cheese cake.

What Pisses Me Off: Waiting. For people, transport or any damn thing. Patience so not my virtue.

Biggest Fear: Being alone. Period.

Best Feature: My big black eyes and my thick black mane. And yes, my honesty.

Everyday Attitude: Do whatever it takes to make you happy.

What is Perfection: What me and my ex shared, at one point of time. Since then, nothing has even come close.

Guilty Pleasure: Bradley Cooper and Old Monk. In that order :)

Now, time to pass it on. Like I said, patience is not my virtue and I can't go on describing each of the blogs below. But I love each and every one of them. I might be returning it back to some of them, but its just not a polite gesture. I love your blogs and I sure think that you guys are worth this award. So, here we go.

In absolute random order. Love you guys. You're the reason I'm hooked onto blogspot :)

This post has been pending for long. I'm so glad I'm done with it now.

Giving Up

2011-08-22T00:10:00.002+05:30

Its not like I don't care

Its not like I don't want to share

I just get frightened that

I'll again get used to you being there

Then you shall leave me behind

Without even turning back

The colors you brought in

Will then soon turn to black

I still want to talk to you

I still want to love and feel

But if I see you everyday

How do you expect me to heal?

My present seems to bother you

My past meant the world to me

How do we get a balance here

Any solution do you see?

When the us broke into me and you

It poisoned me to the core

I don't want to live in a mirage

I'd rather stay alone on the shore

There is no point in more tries

Multiple knots shorten the thread

We can manage to live apart

If not, I guess we'd be long dead

Today what we have become

We have only ourselves to blame

We should have stuck it out together

Instead of being all tough and lame

I still remember your touch

The memories always hurt bad

What's the point in thinking now?

We'll only end up being more sad

I'm sure you'll do good

Being the wonderful person that you are

I'll only want the best for you

Even if you are miles far

I shall always love you

You can still see it in my eyes

The only reason I gave up

Is that I wanted to end my cries

It rained all Night

2011-08-19T17:54:00.005+05:30

The below post is a hybrid mix of truth, fantasy and fiction.

Boredom was killing me and he was not the one to just let me stay bored. Or alone. Five minutes after the trivial fight we had about me not wanting to see his face again, he called back. Half an hour later he picked me up and we were on our way to our favorite place. The best part about us is that no matter how much we fight or yell, when we come together everything else is forgotten. It is just me and him. Us. He psyches me out to no end and raises my temper beyond any limit. I slap him, kick him, punch him, hit him and he dutifully bears it with a smile. He twists my hands occasionally only to kiss me at the end. Whatever you call this, this is the kind of relationship we share.

As we were on our way it suddenly began to rain. Softly at first and then came the piercing heavy drops. We stopped and ran to a shed for shelter. We were half wet by the time we got there. There were about a dozen people there already, each trying to dry themselves as much as they could. It was cold, really cold. I struggled with my wet hair as I suddenly looked up.

Then the world stopped spinning.

I've seen him a million times before, but today I actually saw him. All wet, struggling to blink, he looked so gorgeous in the dim fading light. Suddenly I felt all obsessed, like a child with a shiny object. I know he is a killer, but when you are best buddies you tend to over look all this and take the person for granted. But at this instant, it was different. I suddenly felt the urge to be near him. His wet hair slid carelessly along his forehead, as he was hurriedly trying to protect his phone dodged in his now soaked pocket. A drop of rain clung to his lower lip refusing to let go. I was thrilled and for a split second I wished that we were alone. My peripheral vision flashed a different face and distracted me. I closed my eyes, wiped it out and reopened back to him.

I suddenly felt oblivious to the crowd. My eyes were fixated on him refusing to pay heed to my heart. Temptation was inviting me and the whole universe seemed to be chanting a new song. Our song. I stood still, unable to take my eyes off him. He looked at me now and caught my eye. They held their place. No, I wasn't embarrassed. I told you, that's the kind of relationship we share.

Are you staring at me? He asked.

Yes. I said. I can't lie, you guys know that.

Why?

I don't know.

He smiled and came closer to flick a strand of my hair behind my ear. I felt goosebumps all over me. It was madness, what on earth was happening. The jerk of goose bumps made me look away. He held my hand tight and waited for the rain to subside. I felt a pang of unease. I haven't felt this way in a long time. The rain Gods agreed to settle for a soft drizzle and we left. I could feel his mind racing too. Not a word was spoken until we reached our place. I was feeling hazy. For once I wished that I was drunk, so that I could blame something else for what I was feeling. But I was on my way from work so that was way out of question. As troublesome as it was, I did not want the feelings to stop.

We sat there talking and laughing, still none of us erasing from our minds what had happened a few minutes ago. That's the thing I hate the most about him. Whatever happens, he makes me feel so comfortable. There is never any awkwardness between us. Its been a long time now and we have still been the same. As the night seemed to come to an end, he held my hand and looked deep into my eyes.

You know, right? He asked. Rather said.

I know. I confirmed.

And then it began to rain.

Chaotic Truth

2011-08-15T23:19:00.005+05:30

My last birthday party just ended today and I'm all so sad. Another year before the day comes again. And as promised I have kicked the butt and let the old monk leave. Feeling light already. I feel like the layer of cigarette soot around my brain has been washed away and I am beginning to think clearly. Or so I feel. Yeah, I tend to get a bit dramatic at times. Naah naah, don't mistake me, I'm not giving up on these things like forever. Maybe sometime, once in a wee while I will party. Time now is to strictly focus on the career bit as I shall be starting on my new project tomorrow. Pray for me people.

The last coupla weeks has been a roller coaster ride for me. Luckily I made it without throwing up. Today on my drive back home I stumbled across some realisations and facts about me and the people around. Totally random stuff, so skip if you don't want to read.

People make a big deal about birthdays, especially me.

I hate colors. Black and white is enough for me to live.

If a guy cheats on someone with you, there is very good chance that he's cheating on you with someone else.

Speech is silver, silence is gold. Bullshit. Silence deafens at times.

Over the three year old process of getting over my ex, I actually have fallen in love twice. The first one I let go, before I realised what I felt. The second one, I guess I still am in love with. I did not accept it then, I will not now. Works for me. So, period.

Love is hugely overrated. And is totally worth it.

Strangely, it was very easy saying goodbye to the one who owned my heart once.

I've always wondered how bloggers with pathetic writing skills garner hundreds of followers. I follow some of the best writers and I'm hugely proud of them.

I'm vain.

Men are one of the most wonderful creations of God.

I had the best kiss of my life today. They say that if you kiss and tell, its gonna happen again. So :)

I haven't cried in ages.

I hate boring people. Loathe, detest, abhor. Nothing else creeps the hell outa me more.

The only people who preach virginity are the ones who have never had a chance to lose theirs.

I desperately need to focus on my career. Only.

Platonic relationships don't remain that for very long.

You can be more than friends and yet not be lovers.

You never learn from your mistakes. You might as well as learn to live with them.

I hate monotony. I get bored of routines very quickly. At times, even people.

Of the 350+ friends on my Facebook list I probably genuinely care for only about 20 of them.

I can't lie. The withdrawal symptoms of not smoking is killing me.

I'm chatting with 6 people right now and I just can't concentrate. I'd better log out.

I Don't

2011-08-13T22:14:00.001+05:30

Period.

Let it Rain

2011-08-11T23:45:00.003+05:30

I thought it would be different. It was not. I thought I'd be uncomfortable. I was not. I thought I wont like it. I did. I thought I'd feel guilty. I did not. I thought it was not important. It was. I thought I'd hurt him. I did not. I thought I'll hurt myself. I did not. I thought his feelings don't matter. It did. I thought I was right about never having feelings for anyone else. I was not. I thought I'd never understand. I did. I thought he'd never understand. He did. I thought I'd regret this. I do not. I thought I'd never want this to happen again. I want. I thought it won't rain.

It did.

25. Single. Happy

2011-08-08T23:54:00.001+05:30

Happy Birthday to me :)

Today was just like any other day. Nothing great happened. It was like any other party that I've been to. Just that I was the centre of attraction today. But my talks usually make me that most of the times so there was nothing special. There was a lot of drinking, well nothing new in that either. Apart from receiving a phone call almost every minute, today was just like any other day.

I must say that I have some of the best friends in the world who went out of their way to make things special for me. Every single person in my life whom I care about wished me today. Family, friends and surprisingly some frenemies too. What touched me the most was that my friends staying outside the country took out time and made sure to wish me 12 am my time. I honestly wasn't even expecting a call from them. Had my mind not been lost in pre-thoughts of a certain someone not calling me, today would have been the best day of my life. But again everything happens for good. It also makes you realise that how such people are not worth even a thought, let alone a piece of your life. I know that now, and that's the biggest gift this year. I hereby declare myself out of love.

The day bought back a lot of nostalgic memories from the past. I don't regret it because today also showed me the beauty of a wonderful present and an awesome future. It felt like the right amount of warmth and the perfect kiss.

Yes, today has been good.

Clumsy Oaf

2011-08-05T00:58:00.000+05:30

No, no I'm not getting into a bashing spree again. This is just for me. Tell me something, who else burns their ear while trying to blow dry their hair? Or who else burns their middle finger while trying to light a smoke? Seriously, the finger I use the most is all burnt and swollen now. Somewhere far away Murphy is ROFLing away to glory.

I turn 25 in two days. Phew! Am I seriously that old? Am I seriously that old and still I do the above things? I might just be in serious need of help. Well atleast my mind does for now. First, I was not used to not having him around. I learnt to deal with it and was successful. He's back and I am now not used to having him around. How do I deal with this? I'm driving him and myself up the wall. Wtf is wrong with me? I'm either sick or confused. Talk about being a defective piece. Thank you God, if I haven't said that already.

Today I had a yelling match with my manager. Turns out I'm back to my temper tantrums. I feel a glimpse of the old me coming back and I'm actually happy about it. The new one was a tad bit of a pushover sponge who bore things. I still am a lot like that but the red eyed monster in me is slowly coming out. Angry when provoked. Reason enough eh? Bleh, who am I kidding. I'm never gonna be the same again. The most integral part of me has gone away. Gosh, I miss him. I love him so much. How do I get him to understand that? My only birthday wish. Sigh, stop giggling away Murphy!

Well, lets get past that now. My health's been slowly kicking up and I've gained back 2 of the 4 kilos that I'd lost. That yuckee tasting syrups seem to be working after all. Time to relax and get pampered over the weekend now.

Next post, on the D-day :D

Much ado about Nothing

2011-08-03T19:30:00.004+05:30

I've been sick again. Have been away from work since the past 2 days. Viral fever they say and I'm stuck the entire day at home with a tissue stuffed up my nose. My immunity system seems to have gone to the dogs, with one health concern following the other. At times I feel that there is someone out there holding a voodoo doll that looks like me and is piercing it with poison tipped pins. Believe me, I know a lot of people capable of doing that.

I'm seriously getting tired of being ill. Its been more than a month and I'm making more visits to the hospitals than I do to the loo. I wouldn't mind the tests, needles or tablets much. The thing I hate the most are the disastrous syrups/tonics that they make me drink. They taste like crap and its a pity that I can't avoid them. I'm literally in tears when I'm asked to take them. 2 spoons from 3 bottles, 3 times a day. There is no God.

So much for the big plans I had for my birthday. Everything seems to be going kaput even before it started. An old flame was successfully extinguished and a new spark died even before I could come to terms with it. Atleast it is settled now, I guess I need to smile for that. My new project is waiting for me, but I'm not able to find the physical strength to get out there and reach for it. The official day is on the 16th, but I had planned on going in early. Like I said, there is no God. Thankfully I hadn't made a commitment. 16th it is then.

My birthday next Monday hardly seems to matter now. I guess I need to concentrate more on getting stronger and healthier. Had read this somewhere, 'Life is what happens to you, when you are busy making other plans'. Huh! Life never fails to amaze me. Every. Single. Time. 4 days for the completion of the 25th year of my life and I'm lying here on my bed just hoping to be able to see the next 25. Of course I will. Man, those pills have been curdling my brain. I planned on writing some poetry, this is all I could manage.

Life is not smooth and straight

Its not always the green grass

We just need to hope and believe

That this too shall pass

Hallucinations. I need to get back to sleep.

Fade to Black

2011-08-01T12:13:00.002+05:30

Its my birthday month. Yay! :D

Today was an eternal down hill with everything possible going wrong. Today I saw how love can exist without trust. How a beautiful face perfectly hides the monster underneath. How a person who hardly mattered is capable of bringing out the tears in you. How blind people can get as long as someone around is pacifying them. How hidden intentions can spoil a relationship. How a single second can crush you down.

What's with trust anyway? Can you love someone and not trust them? Can you trust someone with your life but not love them? Can you believe every word a loved one says? Can he look into my eyes and lie?

No, I did not love him. But it did sting. That's all that was on my mind today. Suddenly the most important person in my life did not seem to matter anymore. It was all about the vague new face. Every breath pierced and every voice burnt. How could he? I can't even blame him, I'm the one who did not want more out of this. Still it is crushing one bone of mine at a time. I don't know what this is, but it really bites. Must have been love.

After all it hurt.

Trying to be as optimistic as I can get, I'm gonna take this in the good way. My birthday is meant to end all the bad things and pave way for the new good ones. The end has begun. Let all the pain, misery, agony and confusions fade to black. I'm sure a stream of colors is waiting to come my way. There is nothing beneath rock bottom anyway. The ray of life has to get reflected back now. I don't see any other way that it can go.

Screw you July & a promise to August

2011-07-29T22:54:00.005+05:30

I have something against the month of July. Or rather July has something against me. Everything in life gets so screwed in this particular month that I feel that life sucks and there is no room for improvement. Well its a different thing that the feeling lasts only till about the last week of the month and then things begin to slightly improve. But while that terrible July phase lasts, its nerve wrecking.

July 2008 - The first cracks began to appear in my relationship finally resulting in impending doom.

July 2009 - Battling the peak of clinical depression.

July 2010 - Diagnosed with symptoms of chickengunya, read low blood pressure, low platelet and haemoglobin count, joint pains and acute anaemia. These pop up every now and then taking my whole petite system down.

July 2011 - A repeat telecast of 2010, with hospitalisation and needles in and out of me. If that was not bad enough, things got so bad at work that I was on the verge of losing my mind.

Just when I was about to totally cross the line between normality and insanity, things began to look up. I got a release from my project. Just when I was going down again thinking that now I'd be jobless until I get a project, a very good opportunity popped in. My release date is confirmed for August 12th and I got a project even before I got released! And that too a project that suits me 100% and which requires me to talk for about 90% of my work time. Plus, it does not involve coding at all! Also, this project will have me travelling to various other places in India and elsewhere. Yeah, talk about dreams coming true. I hope to enjoy this. Heck yeah, I will.

I'm so glad this month is fucking off and giving room to my birthday month. August for some weird reason cheers me up. Probably its the prospect of having my birthday and the fact that I get to live like a queen for a day. But that's how most of my days are going through now, so that doesn't seem to make a difference this year. This year is gonna be special. I turn 25. Phew! My friend is coming down specially for this and I plan to party my ass off the entire second week of August. Starting from 8th which is my birthday to the rest of the week. Yeah yeah I've saved up enough funds just for the treats that I need to provide.

The next week after that will be my foray into the new project with new people around. I have never had trouble getting to know new people and as far I can see, the people around here are very sweet and friendly and more than me they can't wait to have me there. I have a lot of expectations from this month as it can re-define my work and personal life. Fingers crossed!

I always make a list a month before my birthday as to what I will do post the birthday. But this time I fell sick and totally forgot about it. If I haven't said it already, screw you July!! Today, I shall make a list of things that I would want to leave behind and not carry to August. Its gonna be tough but I'll try my best to do it.

~ Smoking. I've cut down from 10 a day to 6, then to 3 and then to 2. I'd kick the butt the minute my last party ends.

~ Men in my life. People come, people leave. Its no big a deal. Lines need to be drawn and absolutely no wasting time thinking of them.

~ Health issues. Getting rid of smoking would cut down half my health issues. Also, I've been skipping yoga for about a month now. Need to get back on track and gain back the 4 kilos I lost during the painful month.

~ Parties. There is a reason why we have weekends and I intend to party only then. Daily parties is a big no no.

~ Bad time management. I cant remember the last time when I was punctual to any kind of meeting. Thanks to the two weeks spent in hospital I sleep close to about 14 hours a day. Due to which I wake up only by 4 pm and am unable to sleep until 8 am. Talk about a drift! I've been sleepwalking my way through work this whole week and I can't afford to from the next. This one needs the maximum effort from my side.

~ Vanity. The number of nail polishes I have is directly proportional to 4 times the number of nails I have. The number of shoes I have is directly proportional to about 40 times the feet I have. As a result of which the amount of money I have in my account by the end of the month is directly proportional to 1% of what I had at the beginning. Shopaholic alert! Need serious treatment.

~ Love, passion and other related crap. I don't even want to think about them for about a year or so. If I keep up the item number two on this list, this should be a cake walk.

I guess that's about it. I don't know why, but there always is a weird satisfaction when you make a list. Keeping it up is a different ball game altogether.

Love aaj Kal

2011-07-26T00:38:00.004+05:30

Naah this is not a review of that crappy movie. Actually the movie was good enough, but was eerily similar to my life story so I chose to not like it. I've been wanting to write about this for quite sometime now. Although I had sworn to myself to never write about love again, today I feel like it.

I spent almost all of my college life being in a relationship, like most of us do. It gives a weird thrill and honestly it is an 'in' thing during college life. What happens after that nobody really cares. But that love was the best phase of life. Juvenile maybe, but it was beautiful. Bunking classes to meet, stolen kisses, careless whispers and what not. Sigh, that was life. That was love.

But look at what has happened to love now. People now seem to make a mockery out of it. Infidelity, affairs, friends with benefits, open relationships, casual dating and flings seem to rule and work. The way my relationship ended turned me into a commitment phobe. Its always nice to have someone around but the minute it tends to get serious I choose to run away. Its sad but that's me. They say that most of us are victims of situations and as it turns out, I'm one too.

There is no harm in getting into a casual relationship provided both of them are aware of it. I have nothing against flings or friends with benefits, provided it is with one person at a time and both are aware as to what is happening. Its easy to get involved in this day and age, but somewhere lines need to be drawn. Love now is not about chocolates and flowers, its about dating first to see if things work out and then going ahead with a relationship. In a weird way it seems to make sense to me. No point in giving friendship a different name and destroying the very root when things don't work out. Practicality as it is called. It is foolish in some way taking the beauty out of love, but honestly I don't feel that the 'butterflies in stomach' type of love exists anymore. Rather, we don't let it exist.

I have seen married people sleep around with colleagues and I do have friends who have been a part of many one night stands but care two hoots about it. For them life is all about being happy and staying happy irrespective of whether it is with one person or more. They seem happy so I don't question it. Nor do I want to judge them. Its their life and they chose to live it that way. Good for them.

I have always lived life on my terms. It may be wrong, but if I feel that it is alright I go ahead with it. After mourning for about three years, love now seems like an alien concept to me. Trust, compatibility and mutual respect don't seem to matter anymore. Its all about having fun now for however long it lasts. Nobody has to get hurt. Its liberating to not get emotionally involved with someone I'm sure, but the question is for how long is that going to last?

Lets talk

2011-07-24T11:58:00.003+05:30

Him: You know if there is one thing that I hate about you, its your guts.

Me: You know I was thinking on the same lines.

Him: Really?

Me: Yeah. You lack a lot of things. The most important thing happens to be that. Guts.

Her: I wonder why we can never get along. Probably its because you are a bitch.

Me: Yeah, I'm kinda forced to agree. I've read somewhere that bitches and whores never mix.

Him: Delhi is beautiful. Its one the best places I've been to. Its heaven. You are missing out on something. You seem to be listening, but do you understand is the question.

Me: Ofcourse I understand. Do I care is the question.

Her: He's perfect for me. I love him so much. Its sad you'll never know how it feels.

Me: Yeah. Every first timer thinks just like you.

Him: You missed out on a pristine untouched beauty.

Me: I don't know or care about the pristine and untouched part. But beauty I seriously beg to differ.

Her: Its over. Stop mourning will you?

Me: When did you die?

Him: You're drunk.

Me: I'll be sober tomorrow. You'll still be ugly. (I had read this somewhere, it was the perfect moment to use it)

Her: I don't like your lifestyle. Its so not me.

Me: Did I ask?

Him: I told you not to do it.

Me: Yeah, you also told that you would change.

Her: Why do you detest me so much?

Me: I don't detest you. That's a strong word for a weakling like you. Try something simple. Hate perhaps?

There are a lot of people out there who try their best to make you feel like crap. Get them out of your life, or give it back to them.

Its a pity that not everyone gets sarcasm. For such kind, break it out so that they can understand.

Love vs Passion

2011-07-20T22:18:00.004+05:30

Everything seems so different

As I wake up next to you

Last night was meant to happen

One thing that both of us knew

There is a smile on us both

Its all wrong but seems so right

The birds seem to chant a tune

The sun seems to shine more bright

It may have been hunger and thirst

But every touch cast a spell

A splash of feelings strike me hard

Is love included I can't tell

Your hands ruffle my hair

As it begins to slightly rain

It all seems so neat and perfect

Washing away the guilt and the pain

Is this magic only for now

Will this moment ever repeat

We both seem to nod a yes

As we cuddle in each others heat

You look deep into my blackened eyes

Is that love that I see?

No please don't do that to me

For me, love it can never be

Why don't we just live this day

Let us untie all the strings

I just want to lie with you

As you breathe out our smoke rings

When you reach for my lips

My toes curl and I feel a chill

As you sniff down my neck

My bloods warms up with the thrill

You infuse life into me

It very well seems worth the cost

In this unsaid battle with passion

Love somewhere seems to have lost

P.S: This post is inspired by the movie 'Murder 2'

Its been a Good day

2011-07-18T23:17:00.007+05:30

Yay! Today has been a real good day for me. First, because its my best friend Priya's birthday. Second, my blog hit a 100 followers. Third, I got my first blog award. I'm ecstatic.

I'll start with the award first. Thank you so much alchemist for this. You have been wonderful and kind with your comments and advices. You are one of the very few people who tend to see the real me in my posts. Your blog 'At the crossroads' is very special to me. Mostly because I find myself standing there more than half of the times wondering which side to go. Your posts infuse the right sense into me and more often than not leaves me smiling. Thanks a lot for everything.

This is my first ever award! I've been writing for more than two years now and its been a regular part of my life. Well with rewards come responsibilities they say. The conditions that come with this award are:

1. Write a post displaying the award, which is what we are doing here.

2. Write three good things about blogging.

3. Write three bad things about blogging.

4. Pass on this award to three new bloggers.

Three good things

---------------------

1. Blogging gives me an ideal space to vent out feelings, frustrations, thoughts and my rants. If not for this space, I'd still be nursing clinical depression. My blog lets me be me.

2. I have met so many wonderful people through my blog. These people have stood by me through every walk of life since my blog has started.

3. Blogging provides me an insight into various other unheard of topics. It makes me realise that there is so much in this world that I don't even think of. In short, blogging for me is educative.

Three bad things

--------------------

1. You can't restrict the audience from forming their own opinions. Its natural I know, but kinda gets on to you at times.

2. Blogging makes me feel foolish when my mind is a complete blank. I'm like 'Damn it, am I so stupid that I can't of a thing to write?'. Makes me feel low.

3. Blogging is extremely addictive. I actually visit my blog page more than I do Facebook.

Three bloggers I pass this award to

---------------------------------------

1. Mansi, who is the owner of the blog 'Aashayein'. Her writing is so simple and innocent that you cannot help but fall in love with it. She doesn't write often these days, but when ever she does I'm ready to read it as she seems to write a leaf out of my life with every single post of hers.

2. Runaway Kirik, who writes beautifully at 'The Pensieve'. Her writing is so natural and effortless and to the point. No nonsense and rants you'll find here. Again, the recently married Kirik hardly seems to find the time to write these days, but when ever she does, its a treat to the eyes and the mind.

3. The Red Handed lass who writes at, well, 'Red Handed'! The url reads an uglyhead but what you find there is anything but that. Its a beautiful head out there with beautiful thoughts. Every post she writes is so genuine and makes me want to visit her more often. I stumbled upon her blog last week and I went on to read every single post of hers. Sheer brilliance!

Phew, narrowing down to only three bloggers to pass on the award was the worst thing ever. I'm glad I'm done with it!

So, today we are at a happy 100. Century! I'm so proud of my blog. And well, myself. I started this place only so that I could vent and rant as and when I wanted to. But soon it became the most important part of my life. Every single thing I go through has been here. Be it good, bad or ugly. My brutally honest posts hurt me more than anyone else most of the times. But that's me and that's the way I am. I have disappointed a lot of people with my posts oflate. But with the toggling emotions I'm going through, its hard not to get it out. But I'm learning to stay in control now and will try to make this blog a happy place to visit. For me and everyone else. Thank you guys for all your support.

Now coming to the one of the most important women in my life, Priya. Its her birthday today and I just want to let her know how much she means to me. That's her on my right in the above pic. This was taken on New Year's eve 2011. My God, we were so drunk that day that we could barely stand. I so love the above pic. We look bad, but so stupidly happy in it :)

Just so you all know she is the very one for whom I wrote 'A Note of Apology'. Madam was acting all cranky then, but again we sorted out our differences and are back together and happy. I have a lot of friends but I'm very close to a very few. And she is the sole female recipient of my closeness award. I'm an extrovert and she an introvert. I scream and yell, she's quiet and calm. I talk, she listens. I breathe fire, she's the epitome of patience. I think black and white, she thinks of the rainbow. I curse and crib, she hopes and consoles. She's the complete opposite of me and that's the very reason why I can't do without her. The only person whom I fear in my life. She completes me in a weird way and I love her bluntness where she tries to tame the rude loud me. I've shared 12 years of my life with her. We've been through tough times together. Be it family problems, love, boy friends, breakups, work and day to day crap. We've done everything. Right from stealing mangoes together in school to getting sloshed and passing out. We tell each other the dirtiest of secrets and still know that we can understand the other without quite judging her. Life's never been easy, but having her around eases it a bit. I love you Priya and you mean a lot to me. I wish you all the happiness in the world and a guy who will love and respect you the way you are. This time, just make sure he likes me too :P

So damaged, So numb

2011-07-17T02:54:00.000+05:30

Its never easy to let go

2011-07-16T16:31:00.004+05:30

When three of the best looking males in the country come under one frame all you can expect is magic and oodles of charisma. You do get it, but are soon left craving for more. Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara does have the chutzpah but doesn't live up to what it promised.

Abhay aka Kabir is soon to get married and takes his best friends Imraan(Farhan) and Arjun(Hrithik) on a road trip to Spain to celebrate his not so long lasting bachelorhood. The movie is a visual treat with the locales of Spain eating up into the story. Each one of the three is carrying some baggage and how they come over it forms the rest of the story. Katrina and Kalki in itsy bitsy roles add warmth, but are left luke warm. Is it always necessary that a girl and a guy have to get paired up at the end of a movie?

The chemistry between Hrithik and Katrina had been so spoken about that I was actually expecting a huge volume of spark. Was majorly disappointed. They were out there to prove that two goodlooking people need not have to strike the right chord all the time. It did not match up even to one percent of what Vidya Balan and apna Circuit shared in Ishqiya. That was passion. That was chemistry. Kalki is good as the uptight bitch and Abhay seemed to suffer from a hangover of Honeymoon travels. The movie tries to ape Dil Chahta Hai in every possible way including the tension between two of the leading characters.

The movie is a tad bit long and I found it painfully slow. A 30 minute cut would have done wonders to it. The movie tells us to let go of our fears and live life to the max. Well, everyone wants to do that, but not all of us can afford to do it. Katrina tells Hrithik that money is not everything in life, breathing is. If that was the case, what was it that got him on a holiday to Spain to go deep sea and sky diving? I don't think it was just mere breathing. Not all of us can afford to throw a Blackberry out of a moving car into the bushes and act nonchalant about it. It might seem like fun, but is it?

Farhan is supposed to be the jester of the group but his jokes and idioms irritate you instead of getting a laugh. The issue of one best friend stealing the others girl friend is handled so lightly that I found it unintentionally funny. If it was me I'd have written the other person off in no time. But well, it wasn't me here so it was all happys endings. A few good pointers from this.

~ Hrithik looks delicious. Farhan a bit geeky like but he needs to live up to the character of a writer he plays. Abhay looks sleek and sexy as he always does.

~ Running with the bulls in the climax was just kick ass. I have read about this festival of Pamplona in various books and was glad to see it.

~ Katrina looks absolutely stunning in her first scene, but tries too hard to blend with the boys throughout the rest of the movie.

~ The songs 'Senorita' and 'Khawabon ke Parindey' manage the desired effect. Not too much to say about the rest of the music.

~ The poetry in Farhan's voice that comes in at regular intervals was simply awesome. 'Zinda ho tum' was near perfect.

~ Red wine has been amply used in every dinner scene. Made me buy two bottles on my way back.

Nothing else to say about ZNMD. Its a nice movie with its heart at the right place. But it failed to strike the right chord within me. Its always easy to say, but letting go has and never will be easy.

Bored

2011-07-15T16:05:00.003+05:30

First smoke in 5 days and finally there is a smile on my face. Phew! Now I feel alive. With my best friend asking me to give up smoking as her birthday gift, I'm in a really tight spot. Need to do some serious thinking about it though. Atleast to make her happy.

Its been a week and I haven't been out of home except for the to and fro visits to the hospital and the blood check up clinic. A week? The last I remember staying at home for more than 4 hours during the day time was more than 5 years ago. I absolutely am not a homebody. I hate being clumped up at home, almost feel claustrophobic. To think of it I have another 10 days to go. But now its high time I pull up my socks and do something productive.

My manager finally agreed to let me out of the fucked up project I was working on which squeezed out every ounce of my blood. Literally. By the end of next month we should be free and I can actually use the phrase 'I'm between jobs' when someone asks me what I do. No, I'm not quitting the IT crap as yet but will be out of a project and it will give me sufficient time to plan my next move. Good thing is I'll still be getting paid :). I've got a writing job offer from a good magazine, but the pay is less than half of what I make here. Seriously, do people think that creativity is that cheap? Comeon, it takes a lot than coding and testing to get words into motion.

I've always wanted to do something creative. I'd make a great love card writer right? How much does that pay? If I move to another IT firm, I'd easily make more than double of what I'm making here, but I have absolutely no enthusiasm to do that. I need a job that makes me happy and gives me the urge to wake up and go to it everyday without sulking. If only it was that easy. So during this short sabbatical, this is what I need to figure out. A huge decision. And I was supposed to be stress free and relax. Bleh! What's that now?

I'm bored people. I'm tired of accepting a million calls about how I'm doing. Its makes me feel nice though that so many people care :). One good thing is that I've caught back on my reading. I finished six Danielle Steel books in four days. Man, I so love her writing. Its easy, simple and I can easily relate to it. Half way down the seventh now. Well, that's it for now then. I'm off to meet my friend and get some fresh air. Seriously need some life infused into me.

Bad Boys

2011-07-14T00:33:00.003+05:30

So I'm back from another short trip to the hospital. Yeah yeah this low BP, low platelet count and the high work stress seems to be taking a toll on me. Seriously, life isn't what it used too be anymore. Nor is nostalgia, nor is love. Here I go again.

Lying down in the white room of the hospital with nothing to do was punishment personified. If you knew me personally you would know how difficult it is for me to keep my mouth shut or my hands free even for a minute. With red and white tubes coming into my poor lil hands and mom yanking me to keep my mouth shut and sleep, I lay there like an oxymoron exercising the one organ I could, while being immobile. The brain, what else?

I lay there thinking about my friend. I miss him badly, but my lioness ego would not let me show that. He'll be back soon I know but until he's back he's gonna occupy quite some space in my already cluttered brain. My friend was right, I do get addicted to people very soon. But somehow that's not how I feel. Call me a selfish bitch here, but he is not what I seem to miss. I miss the times I spent with him. The fun, the magic we shared that took me momentarily away from my fucked up troublesome life. The beautiful painting he painted for me whenever I cried black and white. Oh what the hell, I might as well as admit that I miss him. Why do I ever let myself get attached to people? After all that I've been through I never seem to learn. But again if you don't take chances you'll never know what is out there for you right?

I find nothing great about him. He has half the women's population drooling over him, but I can't seem to comprehend what is it about him. The only thing that turns me on is the fact that he breaks the rules. Every single rule in the book has been broken by him, except the ones I've set. He's mean, annoying and a lot like me. That's what scares me and makes me want to stay away from him. I've always had a fascination for the meanies. Maybe cos I am one, but the good natured sweetheart has never been my cup of tea. I had a boyfriend who always had me craving for him. He respected me, but the fact that he never worshipped all my whims and fancies turned me on. He doesn't want to talk or have anything to do with me now, and I find it hot and makes me want him more. Yeah, maybe the hospital air did not suit me. Or maybe its the no alcohol, no smoke ritual I've been following since the past 3 days. Naah, its none of it. Its just me.

There is something about this breed of men. Bad boys as I call it. Nowadays if I meet a guy who doesn't smoke or drink I tend to judge him as being a bore. An always smiling, lick ass kind of guy is what maybe what most women want but is a big no no for me. I like the rugged stubble look and I choose to stay away from clean shaven chicknas. A guy should be like a guy. Should have his ego in place and should let me have mine. They can come together but should never overlap. There is no fun in waiting for life to happen, he should know what he wants from life. He should not be a pushover and should have a mind and a life of his own. If 90% of the world tend to believe that men are the stronger sex, they might as well as behave like that right?

Rhymathon

2011-07-12T00:51:00.003+05:30

Just when I thought I was the only one good with words, atleast amongst my friends, this happened.

After a tired and literally fucked up day I was sitting and having a drink with my friend. There was a sudden beep on my phone. A message. "Started my wedding shopping today. Bought a lot of stuff. Super excited!". My best friend. Sorry, soon to be married best friend.

Me: Kya yaar, sab koi shaadi kar raha hai. I'll be 25 next month. Sigh, I don't think I'm even close to all of that.

Him: Ofcourse you are close. I'm sitting so close to you, no tension main hoon na.

Me: Damn, not again.

Him: Always and forever.

Then the unexpected fun began. I started.

Tu hai gawar aur main sophisticated lass

Ladke mein muje chaiye class

I love you re, bas hoja bindaas

Main hu rum toh tu hai meri glass

Rum nahi, tu toh hai chipku gum

Afsos kabhi na mil payenge hum

Bas mere paas aaja sanam

Life mein kabhi na hoga gham

Boss, main toh karti hu kisi aur se pyaar

Jitna bhi bolo milega bas inkaar

No bhi kabhi ban sakta hai ikraar

Main karunga pyaar, tu karna takraar

I honestly went all 'Awwww..' after this. But I am not the one to give up.

Ab bas kar ye baatein bekaar

Chup hoja warna padega maar

Maar bhi teri lagegi jaise kiss

Ban ja meri Mrs warna reh jayegi Miss

Sherni hu, par kar sakti hu hiss

One more word aur hogi teri tain tain phiss

Hum hai Ranbir aur hum hi hai Salman

Haan bol de, ab baat meri maan

Okay stop it, I'm getting bored

Lets leave now, its getting cold

Cold is not an option when you're this hot

Baith, lets leave after having a shot

Don't think I'm the one to lose

I'm the shot and you the plain juice

Dekhle ab tu mera pyaar

You win, maanta hu main haar

We laughed non stop for 20 minutes after this.

It was not the drinks, it was us

Just friends, cheering each other up

But the question is, can it remain just that? Always and forever? A tiny part of me screams out yes. The rest of me shudders.

Full Circle

2011-07-09T13:15:00.004+05:30

The shadows have seemed to live

Sometimes near and at times afar

Life came a full circle

As the feelings door was left ajar

Shimmering like fireflies

My soaring kite struggled free

I didn't know what I was against

Being you meant being me

It all boils down to real life

For hidden locks I looked for the key

Ignoring my bleeding heart

I tended to my bruised knee

Its not all up in the air

The painting seems to have a link

Love has never been tough

Its much simpler than you think

Crystal rains thrashing down

Watering the seed laid below

Its been easy to ignore and hide

But hidden dreams secretly grow

Memories bite then turn to dust

Leaving me in foggy soot

How do I snip the bud

When it has long grown a root

The symphony you started

Has been tough for me to quote

Every moment still lingers

Every touch was worth the note

The song can never end

It can never be called dead

When there was enchanting music

In every word that you said

We're Good

2011-07-03T23:40:00.004+05:30

I'm not the one to stay unhappy for long. Today has been one of the best days of my life. Sigh! I just can't seem to figure out what on earth is happening to my moods these days. Worst thing is I can't even blame it on PMS this time. Things have been so messed up and erratic that as I go with the flow I'm tending to get lost. But again isn't this what life is supposed to be like. Alcohol free and just burnt three smokes, yet doing perfectly fine. And strangely happy. I'm weird I know :D

Nothing like a day out to cheer me up. I had to work but after the chaos last night was I wanted to just run away from home. Well that also means that I'll be up to see the sun rise tomorrow trying to finish of the pending work. Well such shit keeps happening and work is something I no longer care about. Its always gonna be there and tell me about someone who actually loves their job and looks forward to a Monday. Anyone? I'm not the only one, that's consolation enough.

Watched 'Delhi Belly' today. OHMYGOD, totally fucking AWESOME! Indian cinema has come a long way. First 'Shaitan' and now this. Absolutely in love with these two movies. Anyway, will save this topic for some other post. The movie successfully managed to cheer me up and that was only the beginning. I treated myself to a much needed massage and a heavenly hairwash. Nothing like self pampering, seriously! Then came therapy. Read shopping. So we're the proud owner of six more pairs of shoes now. Three types, one in black and the other in white. That's how my shopping always goes. White black, black white; and we're sorted. Not much of a colorful person I am. But the adventures of my life more than make up for it. Paint my life and you'll be short of colors.

After spending nearly 40% of my salary on shoes, I went for the next haul. Books. I now own the whole of Grisham and Archer clan. My next investment would be a shoe shelf and a book shelf thanks to both overflowing. Feasted on some gorgeous food and touched heaven. They say that every episode in life teaches you a lesson. Hahaha, I should have a Ph.D by now! Coming to the previous post, I was so tempted to take it off! I'm not the one to offer an apology so easily and definitely not on a public forum. But now that I did it, I mean it. If things get better; good, else life moves on anyway. Jo bhi ho so ho, right?

Its all about the effort you put. I tried my best, believe me knowing myself, I went more than out of my way to mend things. Somethings worked and I hope the rest fall into place soon. Hope! Don't get me started on that now. Hope is a dangerous thing and when it involves a wild lioness its all the more exciting. Happiness is a choice we make, they say. Well said! I guess the choice has been made for me then. Cheers! :)

A Note of Apology

2011-07-02T02:04:00.000+05:30

Ever had that feeling where you are stuck in a crowded room screaming your lungs out and noone looks up? Ever felt lonely even when you are surrounded by people who call themselves friends? Ever felt that unbearable urge to talk to one particular person in the middle of the night but are unable to? Ever felt the need to sit back and think of how the past few years of life have been? Well, I felt all of this last night and so I did.

Warning: An extraordinarily long post below.

Me: A totally spoilt brat who has to have things her way, by hook or by crook. An angry young thing who has an opinion about every possible thing but fails to acknowledge the fact that others do too. Short on patience and stubborn enough to let go of people due to that. A hypocrite when it comes to love. An expert of masks and armour when it comes to facing the world. Too sharp, too blunt, too bold for all the wrong things. I know all of these things and this is not a thing I regret or loathe. I somehow manage to make this work and survive.

But today I realised that I can be wrong too. So wrong that I'm feeling this excruciating guilt inside of me. Life's moving on smoothly but I'm losing hold of a few things. People, friends. Work's been so hectic that like I mentioned in my previous post I've been neglecting a lot of people around me. I've only been concentrating on myself and the immediate things and people who help me get past each day. I've grown selfish over these years and all that mattered was my life, my way and my sanity. But I was wrong. So wrong. I knew I was doing a lot of wrong things all this while, but never thought about it much because it gave me temporary happiness. But the guilt now has accumulated and is coming out at the wrong time and in the wrong way. I'm sitting at home on a weekend trying to complete my work and its all getting messed up. I can't seem to concentrate at all. I owe an apology to a lot of people and myself.

To my parents: I'm sorry Mom and dad I'm just not able to spend time with you guys. I don't remember the last time we all sat together and spoke. Even if I manage to squeeze out sometime in between, I prefer to go out and spend it with my friends. That's bad. Just give me sometime. I'll sort things out at work and try to work on this thing called 'work life balance'.

To my best friend: Today you had me crying. We've fought a million times before this but it never mattered much like it did today. You have been the major object of my neglecting I know and I feel awful about it. You have been around whenever I needed you and stood by me throughout my ups and downs for over 10 years now. I know I come to you only when I'm down and when I need to whine about the guys in my life. I'm the talker amongst us I know, but it doesn't mean that I take this bad advantage of it. You have no idea how pathetic I'm feeling right now. I'm sorry for all this. You have been the most stable part of my life and I can't afford to lose you. I accept that I was wrong, will work on myself. I seriously am not used to using such words with girls, you know me. Hence I'm writing here. It would have been much easier to pick up the phone and talk to you directly, but today I just couldn't. You have always thought of me as this strong and rough woman and it wouldn't have been nice for you to hear me breakdown. I'm extremely sorry for the past few months of my whiny behaviour. Please forgive me and I hope we'll stay friends. And never ever say that I'm not your support, I'm always here whenever and at whatever time you need me.

To you: First of all let me take the advice of my friend from Pune and accept this. I shall never be able to get over you. I loved you and I still love you. I'm gonna love you to death. And noone and nothing can change this. Not even myself. Its foolish that I'm trying so hard and so desperately. I'm miserably failing but am trying to camouflage it by rejoicing in small bouts of happiness and blending in with the distractions around me. Bottom line, I'm never ever going to get over you, plainly because I don't want to. I'm totally in love with the idea of being in love with you. You are the thought of perfection that is etched in my mind and its gonna remain that way. Period. I'm sorry I feel this way. Actually I'm not. I Love you and I have absolutely no regrets. I can live my life just with this thought. Period again.

To my recent ex friends: Thanks to the above part I hurt you guys a lot. I had no right of tangling your lives along with mine when I myself was so fucked up. But trust me, I had only friendship in mind and had to let go when you did not feel the same. Its tough to be in a place like mine trust me. But its totally wrong to get into something with someone else in mind. I did not want to make false promises and so I backed out. If that hurt you then I'm sorry. But that was all I could do. All of you put together cannot replace the one who owns my body, mind and soul. I'm sorry but that's the fucking truth that troubles me too.

To the almost stranger: We got too close for comfort. We started off as acquaintances, then we turned enemies, then strangers, then back to acquaintances, then friends, then best friends, then you asked for something else, then we went back to being acquaintances and now almost strangers. I know you are hating me for all this, but trust me what I was with you is so not me. I usually don't get this close to guys with whom I've had toggling relationships. You seemed like an enigma to me, you brought fun into my life and took me to another world altogether where everything was so nice and so perfect. You taught me patience and how to love myself and how to rejoice in the small things of life. I whole heartedly thank you for that, but that's about it. You are very dear to me but the awkwardness between us now is killing me. I now think that we were better of as strangers. I'm glad that you are leaving soon and I don't have to see you everyday. I'm sorry that I'm rejoicing in the fact that you're going away. I'm sorry that I'm happy and am looking forward to it.

To my health: I'm so freaking sorry. I've been putting my body through hell with all the excessive smoking and drinking. I have absolutely no time for myself to visit a spa or to get a massage or a haircut. My work is taking a toll on me and the stress is driving me the wrong way. I need to sort it out. I had plans to quit on my birthday next month, but I'm going to start making the effort from now. My best friend is angry with me for this reason too and if I had to choose one among them I'd blindly choose her. I'm going to try to give it all up. YES I AM.

To myself: I don't know why is it so hard for me to accept simple things. I see what is happening around me but I set out with an attitude that nothing affects me. Its easy to show it out to the world, but when I go to bed at night it kills me. Honestly there are times when I go to sleep hoping that I don't wake up to see the next day. Stupid of me I know but that's the truth. I think too much and it annoys the hell out of me. They say that the truth sets you free. It sure does, but it first successfully manages to piss you off. My life was so organised and clean before. So was I. Seriously I'm someone else now. Someone whom I don't like anymore. I've had it with the adventures, I don't mind being boring for sometime. I'm making a promise to myself to sort out things as soon as I can. I'm very happy to go with the flow of life and live for the moment but its not worth it if I'm hurting people in the bargain. I'm selfish yes, but not to this extent. I'm going to make it work. Come what may.

P.S: I know you guys are thinking that I'm one hell of a confused soul. Yeah you're right! But this is the most honest post I've written in a long long time.

P.S2: Stranger, you win I lose. You got me to accept that I can lose too. Not bad huh! No apology to you, just a sincere thanks.

Jo bhi ho so ho

2011-07-01T00:21:00.003+05:30

Considering the way my life has been, even if I am blessed with two consecutive days of happiness I tend to get paranoid as to what is awaiting me next. But today I'm not feeling that way. Its been more than a week of happiness and peace. I'm getting used to the good life now and I hope it stays this way. Fingers crossed.

You know, the human mind is really foolish. The more it thinks, the more fucked up it gets. But again, its only human to think. And to be foolish. I seem to have tuned my cerebral system in such a way that I can only seem to care about things immediately close to me. And that which affects me directly. Feels good. And if some people are feeling neglected, I'm sorry but I come before anyone else. Call me selfish, so be it.

No matter what you do, the heart will do what it wants to anyway. Just go with the flow. Tread the path of your heart using your mind as the vehicle. My heart and mind were sworn enemies before, but now I have managed to get them to bear each other. A compromise. But when it seems to be working, I don't feel any regrets. Its easy to just lay back and watch life unfold. I'd rather do nothing and be happy, than try to do something, fuck it up and stay unhappy. No, I'm not taking the easy way out but at this point of my life this is what I can only do. Actually, this is what I want to do.

I want to let go. I want to break free. I want to move freely without any control. I want to smile, I want to sing, I want to love. I want to take on life head front. After all I have been through, I now know that no matter what happens I have the strength to get through it. I have been through more than enough 'This too shall pass' moments than I can count. I've learnt to sail my ship, I don't care about the storm coming in.

At this moment as I write this, I'm content with life. What happens next, I don't know. But whatever has to come will come and I will be there awaiting it. And yes, with a smile.

Tequila

2011-06-24T23:56:00.003+05:30

One, two, three. Here we go.

I want to post this before I end up getting too high and venting out crap. I'm only writing this because something inside me is not letting me stay still. I'm thrillfully happy today. It had been ages since I've felt this way. First, my hardwork finally paid off and now when I see my work flow so smoothly and beautifully I feel proud. Second, I got a zillion compliments today on the way I looked. Even though a few bitches turned green, it only added to the exhilaration. Third, striking realisation: I can feel again. Duh, obviously for someone else. This close friend *cough* of mine turned the whole of me green by talking about this particular chick. I kept nodding and listening but the inside of my head was screaming 'Stay away from him you bitch. He's mine'. The jealously and sulking lasted for a good 20 minutes until I saw her. Then it all went poof! Reason? I'm way hotter than her ;)

Atleast now I know that I can feel for someone else and I no more have to hitch hike on the post called the 'past'. No, I don't want to read much into this and think why I felt like this, what does this mean, why do I care, why is this happening and all that blah. The only thing that matters now is that I can feel again for another being. You need to be in my place to get the feeling. Trust me, it feels like a rebirth.

This might sound really funny coming from a cynic like me, but, whatever happens surely does happen for a reason. My ruler Murphy's getting wicked by the day and life's been throwing more lemons than I can count. But you know what life, I've developed a taste for lemons now. What else have you got? I'm not gonna quit. Like I once said before, I'd fight until life gives up.

They say that you will have no idea as to how strong you are until that is the only option you have left. True. Lemonade was never an option for me. Since salt comes free (well almost), tequila's the word, and I'm addicted. I'm so glad that these things happened. Even though I have written a million posts cribbing about all the bad things in life, in the end I've emerged out a tougher and stronger person. And for some weird reason life's toughest questions seem to be getting answered today. No, its not the wine talking. Not as yet. But the zillion and million used is pure exaggeration.

We all have only one life to live and we might as well as live it the way we want to. Fuck the rules and monotony. Nothing is right or wrong. Do what you feel is right and have no regrets if it goes wrong. Because no matter what happens, in the end, something good emerges out of it. I have been denying this all this while but its the plain simple fucking truth. This friend of mine is leaving forever in a couple of weeks but he's leaving me with the feeling that I can feel again. It does hurt yes, but also, I feel nice inside. No point in random thinking and worrying. Let life take its own course and if there is someone called a God watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

Amidst all this hoopla of work, stress, lemonade and tequila comes another realisation. I might actually be falling out of love. I am falling out of love. It does not make sense nor does it seem to matter anymore.

P.S: Yes, the post title was intentional.

Lemonade

2011-06-21T23:14:00.004+05:30

Today clearly has been one of the many worst days of my life. When last weekend turned out to be 'Oh so wonderful' a part of me told myself that this is just the silence before the storm. And it was. Presenting today!

For over a month I've worked my ass off on a new project. Since I had just changed processes at work, this was my first biggie. I toiled day in and day out, lost count of time, ignored my health, refused to get a haircut, cancelled a vacation, burned a million cigarettes, found absolutely no time to have a drink, did not meet my friends, did not watch Bheja Fry 2 and did not shop! I saved as much time as I could to finish my work before today's deadline.

And I did it! Last night I finished the final thread and all I had to do today was to go to work and happily send a mail. Trust me, I had it composed in my head. Then came the storm. After having worked till 3 am I woke up today at 8 hoping to reach office early to get rid of this stuff forever. I was feeling uneasy already and as I set my foot down the bed came the sting. My right foot was completely swollen with my main thumb resembling a potato. It was quite a sight with the bright blue nail polish I had on my toes. I couldn't even walk a step and the first thing on my mind was how do I get to office.

The pain was unbearable and I was immobile. I sat at my bed wanting to cry but not a damned tear came out. I called my lead telling him the problem and asked him if I could work from home as I'm just not able to move. The response was a meek 'Ok'. And so the day began. Just as I logged in I was flooded by a million mails stating that something had gone wrong with the work I had done and I had to rectify it. Then followed a series of callous calls accusing me and pointing invisible fingers at me telling that I could not get the work done. The pain doubled and I just couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't even walk to the doctor or down the stairs to take a rick. God bless mom for being on leave and she went on my behalf to the doctor and got me painkillers. It did not help and the damage had already been done.

I sat all day working amidst the pain. It was so shrill and excruciating that it was taking me down and all I wanted was to rest/sleep. I battled it all and rectified the mess. Lets see how it goes tomorrow. I don't know why such things happen to me. The pain in my foot has subsided thanks to the painkillers but I'm still unable to walk thanks to the swelling. No matter what, I have to make it to work tomorrow. With or without foot. I know everyone will say that this is just a phase, this too shall pass and blah blah. But I think its high time that Murphy's stopped ruling my life. I'm singlehandedly fighting more battles than I can count. I know I'm not winning but I'm not letting the opponent win either. A tough place to be in I swear.

I need a break, a change. My vacation also went for a toss thanks to work. I need to breathe free for sometime. I know I'm not the only one going through such things where work sucks, love life is screwed, battling nostalgia, no clear future and absolutely no time for anything else. But at times it gets too much, even for the lioness me. Seriously, when it comes to living life every being falls short.

Static

2011-06-18T16:35:00.000+05:30

Its been six years and nothing has changed. The feelings, the memories, the places, the thoughts, the insanity, the want, the hunger, the wait, the love. Nothing has changed.

Nothing has changed apart from the fact that we no longer see or talk to each other.

Right back at ya

2011-06-15T01:18:00.002+05:30

Work is fucked up, stress is at its peak, love life is on a turbulent and adventurous high, thronged by past memories, wrongs seems to be overtaking the rights(yet no guilt felt, not even a tad bit), friends moving away, opposite sex friendships going kaput, no me time what so ever; yet today I'm the happiest person on earth.

Its such a thrill to get back at someone, isn't it? No, this is not someone who hurt me badly and I wanted to drink his blood kinda revenge. This was something silly, something juvenile, something based on love and hate. Someone said 'Hit where it hurts the most'. More often than not its the heart. Strike target. Bull's eye!

I hurt you because you deserved it.

My di always tells me to treat people the way they treat you. I never ever listen to her, but this, I now firmly believe in. Life gives you back what you give, and so will I. Karma it is.

Mystery

2011-06-10T00:07:00.006+05:30

Each time my mind goes blank

Your presence is felt more

Filling me with happiness and grief

Troubling and curdling my core

Do you ever think of me

Of all the times that we met

Does this ever cross your mind

Together when we laughed and wept

I know now there is no wait

But it sometimes is tough to accept

I don't know what is it about you

You my love, are hard to forget

You're like the cool breeze

That infuses life back into me

You're also like the painful drug

Without which nothing else I can see

As the fateful day I dread

Seems to come near and near

You completely take over me

Leaving me in agony and fear

Do you also go through this

Do you feel the same things

What do you call that feeling

That each memory of us brings

I'm amazed by your distance

How do you manage to stay away

Why do you prefer to stay mute

Is there nothing you want to say

Don't you have to fight the urge

To pick up the phone and make the call

You seem like a mystery to me now

Probably I never knew you at all

How do you spend your days

Don't you ever feel the need to see me

Do I ever feature in your dreams

Or have you locked me out and thrown away the key

Do you ever miss me

When you have something to share

I probably wouldn't love you so much

If you actually did care

True Lies

2011-06-08T23:02:00.002+05:30

I never want to go back there. Never ever.

And so the crush crashed today. Point blank, within a second. When you start to find someone attractive, you tend to ignore the small irregularities, negatives and their individual opinions. But again, only to a certain extent. Today I figured out the threshold I had for this certain someone and now I find him the ugliest thing ever. The minute this happened I rushed to the washroom at work and laughed my heart out. Who was I kidding? I feel nice now. Free.

Just thinking, it is so easy to lie at times right. Rather than give a whole explanation about something, just finish it off in a single phrase. Be it a lie or so.

'Why are you late?' ~ Had to stay back at work.

'Does this dress suit me?' ~ Yeah.

'Is he more important than me?' ~ No.

'Did you smoke again?' ~ No, just passed by the zone.

'Does it make a difference to you?' ~ Not anymore.

Lies fascinate me. Its so simple and spontaneous, just like the first para I wrote. I actually went to the washroom to think about the incident. How could he think like a jerk? Was he always like this and I failed to see it? Seriously, when someone is nice to you, it doesn't mean that he is nice to others as well. Today I got to see it. I felt a tiny tug at my heart but I'm glad I got it over with. When I asked him about it the response I got was, 'I would never say such a thing to you'. Bleh! That's when I knew I had to get off. Good riddance again. Better off as friends we are. Today, the lines were drawn. By me.

Not so long ago, I got a good friend off my back on the basis of a lie. Absolutely no regrets about it. I probably should have done this much before and saved him some pain and me some ugly drama in my life. He's happy in his place now and me in mine. See, lies are not that bad after all. Just don't let the guilt get to you.

People who think too much are the ones who get hurt the most. My sense of thought seems to have fallen out of the window, the very reason I'm not able to write much these days. Its easy to lie to others and get away, but when you have to face the truth within yourself its nothing short of hell. I keep telling myself that I have everything I need in life and my life's beautiful. It is the truth except for a big void that nobody is able to fill. That void seems to take over everything making the truth of my life seem like the biggest lie ever.

But again life moves on, even if it means living a lie.

Find the Answers

2011-06-05T00:38:00.002+05:30

Yesterday, this friend of mine came up to me wanting to confess something. He's this goody goody sorts of person so I was wondering what it was.

"Shoot", I said.

"Well, just promise you want laugh"

"I won't, I promise"

"Remember when I asked you out last week?"

"Hmmm yeah"

"I actually googled on ways to propose to a Leo woman before I did that"

Of course I couldn't keep the promise. I blurted out laughing, only because I felt that the confession was so cute and naive.

"It obviously didn't work, did it?"

"Naah, Google is crap"

I agreed with him then.

Today, I googled on ways to get over a man. The answer I found was 'another man'. Seems about right. Beginning to trust google again.

I hate love stories

2011-05-31T01:23:00.005+05:30

Its goddamned overrated. This love thing. At times I wish that love was a habit. I'd gladly kick it then, with both feet.

I'm done. Seriously. I'm done with this thing called love. The very thought of it now curdles my blood. It angers me so much that I can feel the bile rising up my throat making me want to puke. What the fuck is it with love anyway? I was doing great for more than a year or so. Just when I was having a great time with a great guy in a great place, the blast from the past had to happen. And that too not even the far away past. I totally blame myself for this. I should never have made memories post the breakup. It would seem like a joke to you people that I had the best times of love after the break up. I made more memories after the break up than when we were together. Hah! Talk about being foolish.

Been there, done that. Each time I think of the situation or the person linked with it I now get furious. I never knew I had a popping vein on my forehead until I saw myself in the mirror while I was sobbing in the shower. This is good. I need to build up anger and one fine day erupt like a volcano and be done with it. I can't take this love crap anymore. It makes me sick, to the bone. I'm done. I'm burying this feeling deep inside and piling work, stress, drinks, music and lust over it. Go ahead and call me a bitch if you want, but I'm going to do anything and everything that makes me happy. So what if I can't fall in love again? I can still have fun right. Bring on the distractions, minus the emotions.

I'm not unhappy, I'm just troubled. Trust me, I swear to God that I did not see this coming. I was very very very happy with my life. I had everything I wanted and I was beginning to have crushes again and yeah was almost on the verge of giving that darned word another try. I was back to my happy old self and 'he' was the last thing on my mind. Yeah, so you can imagine the jolt it was for me. I actually felt like I was being electrocuted at that point of time. Funny that I don't feel anything of that sort now. I'm perfectly fine and actually the last two days have been really great and my crush has remained intact. It probably was that particular moment and the intensity of it. Or maybe the fact that it happened on the 18th. It did not occur to me then, but it did now.

You maybe surprised but in a weird way I'm actually happy that this happened. Atleast now I know where my feelings are concentrated and I just need to avoid one part of my life. Label me an escapist if you wish, but I ain't getting into this love shit again. I'm happy with my string of crushes and almost platonic relationships. Commitment is erased from my dictionary and its gonna stay that way for quite some time. I'm still young and I'm giving it a whole 2 years before I use that word again. Apart from this terror called love, everything else is near perfect in my life. Why I crib about one part of my life all the time I never know. Not anymore. Honestly, I lead a life that most women only dream of. Its only these moments of unwanted love that messes up my thoughts and my take on life. I'm content and satisfied with the way things are. I don't need any ugly reminders. I mean it and I'll do everything to stay away from it.

Until then this is what I'm gonna chant:

I'm not in love

Its just this phase that I'm going through

I will survive

I'm surely gonna make it through

Okay now who wants to take the initiative of slapping me if I turn all sad and lovelorn again? :D

P.S: I'm way too tempted to remove the previous post. But that's one of the most honest posts I've written, albeit it came out in sheer frustration. Well that was me, and so is this.

This is Me

2011-05-29T02:21:00.003+05:30

Warning: A long post ahead.

They say that when you are going to die, your whole life flashes in front of you. Something similar happened to her.

It was a perfectly set evening. She had just returned from work and was too exhausted to go out. But she had made a dinner promise to him and she intended to keep it. Fair enough, as it was his last day in the company and the city. She had been avoiding this situation for long enough now. The time had come to face it. And so they went, each one knowing what to say but none having the strength to accept the truth.

He spoke as she dug into her chicken and ham lasagna, carefully separating the capsicum bits. Her head hurt from all the calls she had to attend throughout the day. The vodka tonic concoction was not helping either. So she just sat back and listened. She knew what the questions were going to be and she had answers ready for them. She waited for him to finish. It was a cute little speech and then came a lone bright red rose off his bag. She took it and smiled.

"So, I don't know when I'll be seeing you again"

The first flashes began for her. Her head hurt. Bad.

"Hmmm...", she mumbled.

"Why don't you want to try atleast?"

"Because its not right"

There came a hazy view in her mind and she just couldn't ignore it. It was painfully disturbing and she felt two people strolling somewhere in her mind. She couldn't hear the voice in front of her anymore. What was happening? Her head hurt more. Migraine? At this time, not likely. Nor it was the vodka, she had just taken a sip. A troubled look came over her face as the wind blew her hair.

"Kya hua? Are you alright?"

"Yeah, please continue"

The images were coming closer and she could figure out who they were and what they were doing. It was like as if the inside of her head was exploding to show her the real picture. It was one shock after another and one jolt after the other. Suddenly reality stood way too clearly in front of her and she got up. Uneasy was not the word. After three years, this was not expected. Not after the moving on seemed successful.

"I need to leave", she whispered. It was all so irrational. Such things only happened in Ekta Kapoor's serials. Not in real life. Not to her atleast. She wanted to scream, but only managed to repeat her previous words.

He held her hand, she shook it away.

"No", she screamed. "Don't touch me"

"Okay okay relax, have some water"

The final bubble exploded inside and suddenly everything was clear to her. She seemed fine now. She sat down, had a sip of her drink and looked straight into his eyes.

"I still love him", she said with an unnecessary smile.

"So I thought".

He was hurt, but she did not seem to care. Her mind was racing hard. She had to let him know that she still loved him. She had to let him know that she will always only love him. She had to tell him that she still belonged to him. She had to. Enough of all the hide and seek and the painful desperation. She had to let him know that all she wanted was him. She excused herself and rushed to a place where she could make a call. She was thrilled. Butterflies roamed about freely inside her tickling her heart. She felt good, she had to let him know.

Just as she took out the phone and looked for his number, she remembered the promise she had made to him.

"I swear, I'll never bother you again", she had said. And he had happily agreed.

She sat down on the floor holding the phone wondering what to do, completely oblivious to the dusty floor and the fact that her skirt has slipped quite some inches above her knee. She sat there expressionless. Frozen. Should she just forget the promise and call him instead? She bit into her perfectly french manicured nail wondering what to do. He was happy without her, he did not need her. Maybe he even hated her now. He's in peace. Should she disturb it? Her head hurt more now. A tear fell off her eye. It had been ages since she had cried. Every part of her was hurting now. She closed her eyes. His smiling face readily flashed. She promptly got up, wiped the tears off her face and walked back to her seat. He was happy. She intended to keep her promise, she was not going to trouble him again.

She gulped down her drink and asked the now stranger in front of her if they can leave. He nodded and they left.

Not a word was spoken in the 40 minute journey. She looked out of her window on her left and he looked straight ahead into the traffic. They reached her place, way too sooner than expected.

"I'm sorry. I did not see this coming"

"I guess I always knew somewhere. I should have understood. I'm sorry I put you through this"

"Its okay. You've been a great friend and I'm gonna miss you for sure"

"Just leave, I don't want to say anything"

"Okay. Bye"

"Bye"

He left. She hasn't heard from him since. She did not blame him. There went another one of her friends. She'll get used to this one too. She walked up to her apartment and locked herself up in her room and lit a smoke. She looked up at the mirror and let out a yelp. She couldn't stop the flow of tears after that. The mirror was teasing her. 'She' had been stripped into an 'I'. It was all out in the open. I couldn't control my pain. I wanted to reach out and tell him that I loved him and wanted him back. I wanted to let him know that I longed to hold his hand or atleast have a glimpse of him. I reached for the phone again and sat back and tearfully contemplated for 15 minutes if I should make the call. I've still been contemplating till today.

The Vision: The day we met after months. I was the supergirl then and you the plain simple down to earth being you have always been. We met for drinks and then decided to go back to your place. I was visiting your house after a long time. But, it all felt the same. The same way how it had felt 5 years ago. For me, every corner of that place reeks of us. Its good that you are moving out of it soon. My vision started with us climbing up the stairs to the terrace to get some fresh air. You were holding my hand and I felt warm snuggled against your chest. We were back together in a split second then. The next thing we knew, we were deciding the names of our unborn children. This continued for so long that we actually ended up arguing and mocking each other as we vetoed each other's choice of names. This piece of memory seems so fresh that trust me I can actually breathe the air around us that day. Why? Why did we have this day?

So we're back to where we started off. I still love him. All that moving on and wanting to like someone else seems so fake now. I'm stripped off all the armour I wore until now standing naked facing the reality that he will never be mine. He will never know how I feel and I don't know how am I gonna survive this now. Once, okay. Twice, okay. Thrice, okay. But not for the fourth time. I don't think I have that much strength left in me now. My chest's hurting bad as I write this wondering what he is thinking at this very moment. I know I will get terrible reactions for this post, but I can't do anything, for this is the truth. This is the real me in this post as opposed to all the other fictional 'she's' I created earlier.

The real stupid loser me. The lovelorn lioness who can only meow now. The wounded princess trying to heal herself after hurting almost everyone close to her. How can I still love something that happened 6 years ago. How can I love something from which I've been apart for 3 years. How can I love something that has put me in so much pain. Why do I fail to see the period of struggle, depression and heartbreak? All I can think of now is that one night at your terrace. How do I get this off my mind? How do I get you off my mind? How do I stop loving you? Why do I still love you? I hate you for doing this to me. I hate myself more for putting up with all this.

You said that if we get back together, there will be no looking back. You have to know one thing, if I have you by my side, that's the only side I'd look all my life.

PS: God save me from now on.

Everyone's fighting a battle

2011-05-26T23:01:00.002+05:30

Life's outrageously funny.

I'm just back from a short trip down to Hampi with a few of my office mates. It was a good trip, but all I remember from it is drinking, posing for snaps and the unbearable heat. But what I'm most glad about is what I learnt about people during my 2 day stint out there. Not all of us lead a perfect life, and I was proved right.

Everybody is fighting a battle.

Some with others, some with life and some like me, with themselves. As I lay awake on the top berth of the train a million thoughts flooded my mind. People are different. And each one of them is fighting something in their own way. I found out how a casanova can sometimes be a loner, how an outspoken man can be so shallow inside, how a woman can crave for male attention to satiate her growing age and inferiority complex, how an overtly committed man can be so perverted, how a misanthrope is secretly looking for love in all the wrong places, how a relationship can go from friendship to anonymous, how a woman is thinking of excuses to break his heart, how a guy is hoping for his friend to love him, how a mother is looking at her child and then at her out of shape body, how a guy is desperately trying to make himself believe that he does not love the girl he loved for years anymore, how a young woman refuses to acknowledge the fact that she still is love with the past and how a girl is trying to fight herself to avoid looking back.

Everyone is trying to go back and undo some parts of their life. Everyone wants to burn down some pages of their tale. Everyone wishes that some things had never happened. Everyone cries.

Yes, everyone is fighting a hard battle inside.

Original Sin

2011-05-25T01:29:00.004+05:30

The principles of lust

Are all burned in your mind

Do what you want

Do it until you find

Love

The principles of lust

Are easy to understand

Do what you feel

Feel until the end

~ Enigma ~

Love should be the sin, not lust. Love is the original sin.

Is this Love?

2011-05-17T22:41:00.000+05:30

I wake up thinking of you

I can smell you all around

Do you think this is love

Cos you make my world go round

I see your pretty face

Everywhere, then and now

I want to keep seeing it

Seriously, is this love

I long for your presence

More than you can ever think

I don't know if this is love

But, I feel you with every blink

You look at another woman

Envy then seems to shove

I want your looks just for me

Please tell me, is this love

When you hold my hands

Its an enormous thrill

Is this what is love

Without you I feel nil

I don't know what you're thinking

At times everything goes above

I'm so lost in your eyes

Do you think this is love

I want to fight for you

Hell with the peace and the dove

I just want you for myself

Tell me if this is love

Do I have the strength to sail through

What If I turn this to dust

If this actually is love

This word, can I trust

I don't want to feel this way

I want these feelings to drop

If this is what is love

I sure want it to stop

Stupid Me

2011-05-16T23:57:00.005+05:30

And that's it. Nothing beyond it.

I'm extremely pissed today. Either I'm nursing a hangover from last night or going through severe withdrawal symptoms thanks to the whole idea of trying to quit smoking and actually succeeding. Every thing's going great but something doesn't feel right. To start off, what's with all the romantic posts that I've put up of late. Parts of them have been drawn from my life while the rest has been fiction. But when I read it, I stump myself. That's quite some wild imagination I have. Love is the last thing on my mind right now, but it seems to be a priority on print.

Honestly, I'm shit confused about a few things. Oh yeah I know, I know, as usual. I thought I would never go back to what I was a few years ago. The love lorn, short tempered, deep thinking, foolish woman. But I seem to be getting there again. At times I feel I'm falling in love, and the next minute I'm cursing the word. One day I feel I'm doing a great job at getting over and the next day I'm drowning myself in nostalgia. The crush and the feelings are going through a serious to and fro. Today it has been on an eternal low and I hate myself for the way I behaved today. I hurt myself and someone else. I'm sleep deprived I guess.

When he's not around I miss him like crazy waiting for him to return. I mistake this for love. When he's back I don't feel a thing and end up ignoring him. This episode is seriously not looking good. I'm also not able to figure out what he's thinking which is adding on to the frustration. I don't want to lose him as a friend. I can't lose him. But, we are drifting apart. This is the first time I'm feeling this. We have had our moments, but we have never let the awkwardness get to us. But that seems to be coming to an end now. Yes, we are drifting apart. And I'm not liking it. But, if it has to end, let it. For good. I don't want to live in uncertainty again. Not again. Never.

I seem to have this horrible need to have someone around me always. I always have had someone around and that too more often than not, the opposite sex. Friends. Even if I'm alone for a few minutes I tend to feel paralysed. I had phased out sometime earlier and had learnt to enjoy solitude. But then wham! A whole lot of people poured back into my life sweeping into my 'me' time. As I was trying to kick the 'butt' I realised that it is fairly easy to quit habits than people. When you have had someone around you all the time and suddenly that person goes missing, life seems dull. This is so not done. This is not me. The Lioness always preys alone. What the fuck is going on?

I need to give this up. No, I'm not emotionally dependent on anyone. But I probably don't trust me with myself anymore. With my thoughts I mean. Called up my best friend to vent sometime back. She told me to stop thinking about others and think about myself for sometime. Its funny that most of the people in my life think that I'm so self obsessed that I only think about myself. See, I'm not the only confused one out here. I'm not the misfit. She's right. I've begun to think too much of late. The mission to sort my life has taken a toll on me to such an extent that I'm only concerned about trying to fit in the right pieces than myself. Not right. I can't depend on anyone like this. I'm an independent freak for everything else but this. I need to change. I need to learn to be alone or make myself stronger to not notice the difference when some one's gone. We start work on this today. Now.

The post turned out to be longer than I expected, but I just wanted to vent. Feeling a bit better now. Wait, just saw the first look of 'Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara'. Feeling a lot better now.

Not quite yet

2011-05-15T12:41:00.004+05:30

They never fought. Not once. This was the first. (If you can call it that)

He was furious, she seemed calm.

"Chalo, its late. Drop me home now"

"No"

"Why?"

"Because you are selfish, arrogant, narcissistic and only think about yourself"

"Yeah, that I know. What else"

"But that's only one part of you. The other part is the best thing that has ever happened to me"

Smiles. "I know that too"

"You're the perfect blend yaar, why don't you see it"

"I don't know why I should see it"

"True. You are lucky you don't. Else you would have ended up as fucked up as I am now"

"Hmmm. Kyu?"

"Pata nahi. I have known you since quite long now. You have the best personality I have come across in a woman. I love your attitude and your clean heart"

Intrigued. "Clean heart?"

"Hmmm, dil bahut saaf hai tera....... Ab yeh math bolna ki you knew this too"

"Naah, not really"

"Well, don't fly too much now. Jo bhi hai, par kamini hai tu"

"Hahaha, this I know"

"Dekh, that's why I love you"

That was the conversation they had as they were walking down the stairs, he slips suddenly and hurts his arm. They both sit down and she's massaging his arm to relieve him of pain.

He smiles.

"Ab kya hai?"

"Kuch nahi"

Grumbling. "I hate that I care so much about you"

"That's another thing I love"

An impromptu hug, a soft peck and then they leave. They walk close trying to reach out for each other's hand. But not quite yet.

God, are you freaking kidding me?!?

Happy Ending

2011-05-11T01:41:00.003+05:30

Some people tell you they love you, and then they tear you apart. Into shards.

Every time I think that I can't love you more, I prove myself wrong. Even a stab from you seems filled with love.

I fought with all I could, but yes, we win some, we lose some. Then, we learn.

Its the 21st century. Love is no longer blind here. Probably that's why, I still love you.

My only reason for loving you was that its you.

I tried to hate you. Then I realised that it hurt a lot less to not care.

At times I can't seem to fathom as who it was who threw this all away. Me. Or you.

Its not tough to let go of something that hurts you. Its tough to let go of something that you have always wanted. Irony is that, both happens to be the same thing.

I said that I'll love you forever. But now, forever is getting over.

When you said that you loved me, you lied.

You could never trust me with the truth. Or yourself.

Your love made me lose my patience. But you stayed until I won it back. That's what I can't seem to get over.

I'm crazy, lost and foolish. Don't judge me. You made me this way.

I want to forget. But you know, its tough to forget the only thing that you want to remember.

I can't sit and weep and cry. I'm sorry if I robbed you of the pleasure of seeing me in pain.

Just so you know, you are the only stranger whom I'll ever know.

Sometimes it is very important to say the final goodbye.

Try not to miss me, because I'm sure you will.

I bid adieu this time. But remember, next time I want you to be mine.

Fly my love, its time you grew wings.

Again, just so you know, if life was long enough, I'd never ever have given up.

P.S: This is not exactly what you would call a happy ending. But it makes sense when your happy that it ended.

A Lot like Love

2011-05-10T16:54:00.004+05:30

Ages since I did an all picture post. Each of these are my personal favorites, the last one being the best of the lot.

A kiss for me, has always been the best expression of love. Its simple, easy and most importantly, safe. I love the feeling and some memories are vivid enough to give you goose bumps all over!

Strangers in the Night

2011-05-08T15:19:00.005+05:30

There sat a group of 10 to 12 people, drinking and laughing. It was a perfect atmosphere with the faint moon lit sky and the smooth breeze. They seemed to be lost in themselves talking and making merry. She sat there stirring her drink way too often. She could feel his gaze on her, but she chose to ignore it playfully. She gave a quick glance towards his side and he gave an angry smirk. He hated it when she sat so far away from him. Way out of his reach. Made him insecure. He felt that it meant that she was slipping away from him.

He angrily gulped down his drink. The crowd seemed oblivious to the silent interactions between these two. She leaned forward and reached for his hand. He held it tight and looked right into her eyes. She couldn't get her eyes off him. He looked gorgeous in the faint light. But they were friends. Just friends, just the way she had insisted. But the churning of feelings from the past few days were troubling her. Him too. It was very clear as he squeezed her hand in frustration. She gave him a look that told him to relax. He smiled and took the cigarette from her hand. She blew her residue smoke right onto him. He smiled more now and gestured her to go out with him.

The crowd was caught up in some busy discussion, as he left abruptly. She suddenly seemed really conscious, hoping that nobody would notice when she leaves too. On the pretext of lighting a smoke she left the group, slowly dragging herself to the zone where the only light was that of the stars. He stood there waiting for her and smiled when he saw her. He winked at her telling that she looked beautiful tonight. Now she smiled as she took in a drag and walked towards him.

There wasn't much room in that small place they stood. The music was still heard as they came close. He took the golden stick from her and burned it out. She gave him a shocked look. He had never done that before. He pulled her close by her waist. His touch through her thin black dress sent shivers down her spine. She rested her arms around his shoulders without thinking. Suddenly stereo love filled in the air. It was their song. Both smiled as they squeezed each other. He did not let her go, she did not want him to. Both stood there soaking in each other. It was one of the most beautiful feelings ever. But they were friends, what was happening out here?

When this realisation struck her, she withdrew herself from him. He seemed displeased as he saw the confused look on her face. Her face read that this was not right, but she knew that it felt right. He now pulled her by her cheeks and pushed her hair back gently. He ran his fingers outlining her lips and she began to lose herself. Her mind was telling her to back off but her heart did not seem to be listening. He came close and kissed her lightly. When she did not pull back he went in deep. She knew he was a passionate animal, and he had just proved it. He held on to her close as she ran her fingers through his silky tresses. He leaned on more towards her and held her close and tight as if never wanting to let her go. She did not want this moment to stop. It was perfect.

The realisation dawned on both of them at the same time. They were no longer friends. She let go of him slowly, but he wouldn't leave her lips. She had to push him away and he gave a sad moan. She smiled and winked at him, then walked away towards the group. He followed her slowly. They sat together now holding hands. He smiled, she ignored him. Her mind was working fast. What was happening? The friendship was surely ruined. What was he now? No, she did not love him as yet. But she enjoyed everything that happened. She wanted it to happen again. Why?

She stood up and went and sat on the other side. He seemed confused and hurt. She sat in front of him and gave him a look asking as to what happened. His smile told her that he loved her. She'd known that for quite a while now. The next sly smile asked him if she loved him too. She smiled and shook her head, and he laughed out loud. The entire group turned towards him asking what was it. She got angry and gave him a warning look. He said nothing and got involved in their conversation. She sat there looking at him, going back to what had happened. He was no longer a friend. How did this happen? How did this beautiful thing in front of her suddenly turn into a stranger?

Dil sa koi kameena nahi

2011-05-04T14:36:00.004+05:30

Love. The one word that leaves me troubled to dangerous extents. The one word that is never off my mind. The one word that makes me want to plunge into it. The one word that has been the sole reason for a million smiles and a gazillion tears. The one word that makes me want to look back and hold out my hand again. The one word that makes me view a prominent face each time I close my eyes. The one word that opens the Pandora's box instantly. The one word which has me praying. The one word that I want out of my life. The one word that makes me want to live. The one word that makes me wish that I was dead.

Inspite of all this, still, I'm in love with the whole concept of love. It annoys me to the core and shakes the very depth of my soul. Just a thought gets me to behave like a rolling stone. Why? I don't want to go back to the same old excuse of being a romantic fool aka a Leo. Even the concept of being a Leo has ceased to make sense now. Poetry still flows and so does frustration, smiles and sadness. Misery and melancholy follow. But still its doesn't take me half a second to take a detour and go back to the start. I guess we are all made that way. Atleast I am.

God seriously has a wicked sense of humour. Makes me go through the same thing over and over and over again. But again, for you, a thousand times over.

They say love is the best gift ever. But again, some gifts are returned unopened.

P.S: When everything is going smooth, I don't know why am I writing this.

P.P.S: I want to write more, but something inside me is telling me to stop.

Just for Today

2011-04-28T18:39:00.004+05:30

Just for today
Can we forget the mess
Would you hold me tight
Just once please say yes

Lets let go of the world
Come we shall celebrate this day
Forget the white and the black
Just for today lets turn gray

For a while ignore the requiem
Just chant your wonderful song
Get your voice to grace my ears
I'll pester the effect to stay long

We have been there before
The feeling is nothing new
I want to feel the goose bumps
Just for today let me touch you

Lets smile together holding hands
Its your day that I want to share
Don't push me away as yet
Just for today I want to be there

All the bottled up emotions
Today it wants to come rushing out
Why don't we let it flood
Today let us enjoy this tiny love bout

Go on press the pause button
Let us get the feelings to surge
Lets not think about tomorrow
Just for today let us merge

Let us get our lips together
Lets feel the heat and come near
Just for today let us live
I may not be around the next year

Good Riddance

2011-04-26T21:36:00.006+05:30

Snip. Cut. That's how my life would have sounded since the past 2 days.

You know what, when you decide that you want to do something then nothing can stop you from doing it. Remember I recently said that if need be, it is important to cut out people from life. Well, I've been doing that and I could not be more happier. Unwanted people, unwanted clutter, unwanted chaos, all thrown out of the window. Life is light and clear now. Yay me! :)

But the best part is when crap automatically moves out of your life. Then it moves out of Facebook and my beloved blog too, making them places that are fulfilling and easy to visit now. I don't feel an ounce of remorse or agony. It had to happen someday. The sooner the better. The only regret I have is that why didn't this happen earlier. No worries, better late than never.

Someone once told me that the more people you have in life, the more complicated it gets. Seems to be true now. Trying to put off things, putting up with the haphazard feelings of people, struggling to cope up with clingy friends is a bigger baggage than any broken relationship or the past. I've burnt my baggage now and life's already looking bright.

Although there is a certain someone that I'm not able to cut off. Every night I make a promise to myself that the first thing I'll do tomorrow morning is to tell that person to get lost. But each time I look at him, I change my mind. We're great friends, but things have gotten a bit awkward now. The thing I hate the most about him and the very reason I'm even contemplating on cutting him off is that the awkwardness doesn't get to us. But when I'm alone, my mind goes back to actually what is happening. I don't know if it works the same for him too. He's not a very expressive person, but I might be slowly hurting him. Or getting myself hurt. Either ways that's not a risk that I'd want to take.

As for the others who have bid a goodbye to my life, all I would want to say is good riddance to bad rubbish.

White

2011-04-24T20:03:00.004+05:30

With things going perfectly fine in my life, I'm feeling utterly restless. That's the stupid old me. What's going on I just cant seem to understand. I always knew that I was a confused soul. But to this extent? Damn, I put myself to shame. I'm way too happy currently, but a small part of me is not liking it. I know I deserve every bit of the happiness I'm getting now, thanks to the melancholic crap I bore the past few years. I love the perfection around me, but I need to bring about a change. In me.

I need to change. Myself. And only for me. Its about time. I know I bought myself time until I turn 26 and all that jazz but now I don't want to continue this for long. Rehab begins today. 24th April be it. I'm not going to cut out everything abruptly and die of restlessness. I'll take it gradual and slow, but I will do it. But one thing that I need to cut out on immediately, is people. Some women and more men. Lines need to be drawn. A friend means a friend and nothing else. If they cant take it, out they go. I want to be single for sometime. I have absolutely no emotions or energy left for a relationship right now. With the fascination and the past buried, my feelings are all white now. Its gonna remain that way, I'm in no hurry to make a prism out of the white.

Two of my best friends are getting engaged soon. And for the first time ever, I'm not feeling anything. I mean I obviously am happy for them, but I'm not comparing myself to either of them. Earlier it was like 'Oh my God, she's getting married. And I'm nowhere close'. But now it absolutely makes no difference at all. Its a choice they made. Its my choice to be the way I am, and I love my life at present. Without a doubt, I haven't been this happy ever before. I'm revisiting myself and I'm loving the journey. Its not going to have an abrupt end. Its my life, and I will live it the way I want to.

Been thinking a lot about relationships. Because no matter how much I run away that will always remain my priority. I watched 'No strings Attached' last week. My previous poem 'Fire' actually came inspired by that. A cute movie, but very unrealistic. How can you just fool around not expecting either of them to fall in love? Scary. Does life ever work that way? Can two people be involved physically and later act like as if nothing has happened? Is it that easy? That's a question I don't need an answer to because I simply don't care. Its simple for me. You either are in love, or not. There are no two ways about it. The movie ended in true bollywood style though with the triumph of love.

Love. Funny thing. As much I hate to say this, there is no running away from it. As much as I say that I am falling out of love and that I am moving on, I know the truth. I go to bed with it every single night. But I've learnt to block it out and be nonchalant about the entire thing. I'm doing it beautifully and I'm proud of what I am today because of love. I can't and will never ever deny the fact that love still remains the most beautiful thing in the world. Period.

I see life in black and white, like I've said a gazillion times before. But now its all clear, pristine and white. Its a nice place to be in, trust me. It gives a feeling of wholeness, clarity and peace. And peace it shall remain.

Fire

2011-04-23T00:04:00.004+05:30

Satin sheets, sliding down

Covering the night, that went by

We both knew we wanted this

We both know we will not deny

I can still feel your tongue

Like the poison that drowned my throat

Sharp, sweet, bitter and harsh

Like our crazy passion boat

Every kiss said a word

Every breath was clearly heard

You lie there amazingly beautiful

Are you gonna be my love bird

The strong clasp of your hand

Weakens the bite on my neck

Why are we smiling together

Is this love, we need to check

My hazy eyes long for your vision

As your trembling lips break into a song

This sure is a dreamy moment for us

But I'm afraid, what if it goes wrong

You strong arms do assure me

But even on your chest I seem to think

If this continues to go on

I'll fall for you in just a wink

Your madness reeks into me

Your breath now calms my soul

Go on, lets capture the moment

Its been a while since I've felt whole

The feeling is unmatchable

I've never craved for anything this much

Your scent drives me nuts

I lie there, burning with your touch

Mad Cow

2011-04-19T21:25:00.008+05:30

The uneasiness, the skepticism, the never ending thoughts, the infatuation, the feeling of being in love, the grace, the face outside the window, the abrupt bouts of pain, the sudden thrill of happiness, the anxiousness, the feeling of being out of love, the romantic gestures, the need for passion, the craving for a touch, the sharp kisses, the musings, the confusing words and the lightheadedness; all answered.

There has absolutely not been a single moment when I have regretted being a girl. But PMS seems like a torture at times. It only gets worse, when you confess to liking someone and the next day you realise that you actually don't. Why? Why am I so stupid? I read somewhere that red wine helps in controlling PMS. Bleh! I so beg to differ. PMS, red wine and a mobile phone with a guy on the other side or in person is one of the deadliest combos ever. Well, you learn from your mistakes. But honestly some mistakes are way too fun to not be repeated.

I now know why it is called PMS. Mad cow disease was already taken!

But I did learn something from this entire hoopla. One, I'm definitely out of love. Two, I'm not in love with anyone, nor am I falling into it. Infatuation has died down. Seriously, its always a big deal only until you get it. After that, its makes no difference what so ever. Strange I know, but that's me. So the mad cow has decided to enjoy and bask in her newly found(?) singledom for quite sometime now. Drink, smoke, party, roam and have all possible solid fun.

I turn 25 in 4 months time, so lets give the cow one more year. Come 26 and then I'll start looking at life seriously. But again my plans are known to be gatecrashed by Lord Almighty in the most devious ways possible, so the best I will do now is sit back and enjoy one day, one moment at a time. No plans ahead. Let the pages turn slow. Let me have the time and sense to understand every word of the book of life.

Choice

2011-04-17T15:31:00.004+05:30

Why can't there be at least a single moment in my life which is clear cut. Why am I always stuck between two or more things having to choose one? Its not like I'm looking at a pair of shoes and deciding to buy the black or the white one. I usually end up buying both. But what do I do when it comes to life? And love? I again stand confused here.

I'm scared to make a choice now. I don't want to make one. Its all happening way too fast. Everything was going on smooth and the way I wanted it to, but now there is a third angle. A really good one that I can't seem to ignore. What do I do? I'm the one who always says that everything in life is a matter of choice. Well, this time I'm not able to make one.

Its not like I have make a choice and stick to it today, but I don't want to regret on having lost out on something good/great tomorrow. I'm playing along for now. Not looking ahead, nor peeping back. Just for today, I'm happy the way my life is. I'm sure when the time comes, I'll make the right choice.

Sorted

2011-04-14T23:46:00.003+05:30

I want to scream. Scream bad. Scream loudly. Only, this time out of joy. Every single messed up thing in life is slowly falling in to place. I know that changes don't happen overnight; but the start has begun. Finally begun. Here I stand fingers crossed and a heart filled with hope, watching life unfold in all its glory.

Looking back at life I feel so pathetic as to how stupid I have been. Pathetic, foolish and crazy. Its just a matter of a thought and a decision. They say some decisions change your life forever. Mine did. And I haven't stopped smiling since then. Speaks a lot, doesn't it?

Everything is finally normal at home and yes the want of returning home is now back. Strike one. I'll be moving into a new process at work starting next month, leaving behind the stressful and tiresome role that I was handling in the old one. This one's more tough but will do great guns for my resume, plus I get to sit next to my best friend. Strike two. Two most important things in my life are now sorted. The rest can take care of themselves.

And me? I'm still strolling the lane caught between love and infatuation. Can't seem to figure out what is what. The problems here are two. One, this time I'm 200% sure that he's the wrong guy. Two, he's in love with me. I don't want to do something stupid and end up hurting either of us. Atleast not him. Not another one for God's sake. I know myself way too well. My feelings toggle rapidly than the damn pendulum of grandfather's clock. But, I have a good feeling about this one. Dekhte hai, kya hota hai. So, I'm taking my own sweet time to figure this out. Not that it doesn't hold much priority, but I'm still basking in the clear air of the above two.

Now I know, whatever happens, happens for the better. My family is now more closer, I value my work more, and I now know that I can fall in love again. None of these were tough. All they needed were a chance and half a cartload of patience. I gave them both and will continue to do so. Hope things turn out good.

About the past, a part of me still loves it, and the other loathes it.

I'm feeding the latter.

Fluster

2011-04-11T22:29:00.004+05:30

Probably, happiness is only an illusion. I seem to be drowned in it, not wanting a negative thing to happen. But now life seems to revolving around skepticism. Every thought, every feeling, every word is weighed and takes time to come out. Its not all that spontaneous anymore. The impulsive queen is seeming to rest. What's going on? Is this what is called "growing up"?

Its really hard not to let situations take over you. You probably need to be a boulder to not let circumstances affect you. You see things, understand them, try to make something out of it. If nothing comes out of it, bury it far somewhere. An unfinished painting maybe. Just a random scrawl of infinite colors.

But would you want to go back years later and try to finish it? Would you dig up everything you had hidden and almost forgotten, trying to rebuild it. No. But why am I seeming to do it. "Never again" doesn't seem to matter anymore. Why? Am I coming out of the numbness that had made me so comfortable all these years. Am I beginning to feel again? Am I falling in love?

In the quiet night as I look out of the window, why do I see a new face? Why do I wake up with the thoughts of someone new? Why do I smile when I realise what is happening? Why do I crave for that voice and that presence? Why do I go that extra mile for something this fresh?

Is this peace? Is this happiness? Is this getting over?

Is this love?

I'm scared.

Nirvana

2011-04-09T14:09:00.004+05:30

I never thought this would be so easy. A long painful ordeal coming to the most nasty end only to leave behind a smile accompanied by a sigh of relief. A smile that says that I'm glad its over. A sigh to reflect the fact that I'm never ever going to put myself in such a vulnerable situation again.

Need to admit, God works out his timings brilliantly. One door closes and the other opens. I see the smiling new inviting door but I'm just content in knowing its exists. Just for me. No rush. Do I want to enter it? Oh yes! But not just as yet. I'm steadily falling out of love, but the residue seems to be taking time to disappear. Once I'm a clean slate, we'll take a call on what to do.

Ayn Rand says ~ ‎"I've always thought that a feeling which changes never existed in the first place". Probably that was it. I don't want to get into retrospect and bring out a rhapsody of unwanted words. Been there, done that. Now I'm simply sick and tired. Tired to the hilt.

It doesn't take much to make a clear decision and hold on to it. Its hard, but not tough. Once done, its bliss. Eternal bliss. Today or rather from yesterday I'm the most happiest girl on earth. No, I was not this happy even 6 years ago. Somethings just have to end. Why? Because they have to. Agreed, accepted and acknowledged. The past has fucked me enough, its my turn now. Its look ahead time now, and if some chapters of history are turned back again I'll gladly accept being an illiterate.

Contentment and happiness are merging quick and I'm slowly but steadily heading towards the moon.

The end. Buried.

Satisfaction.

Peace.